DRF

Actually doing some woodsing!

2009-12-21T23:28:16Z

Legend of the Cheeker season two, episode six. Richard has neglected to take his pills again, just like his roommate House showed him. Now if only someone would show House how to care.

For some reason, the prep for this episode leaves me with a Halloween candy taste.

"Fury" And we start off with Richard the super-woodsguy actually doing some woodsing! He's showing Cara how to track deer, awww...

(ItB: Richard Cypher was a woods guide, not a woodcutter. People would hire him to show them through the many twisty paths around the Westland. Because maps don't work, apparently.)

CARA: Richard, I am your super-awesome bodyguard. I can fell an enemy with the power of my evil hotness alone—not that I wouldn't use my agiels or daggers or kickass unarmed combat techniques because I love that. That means I should not have to provide meals!

RICHARD: Hey, Kahlan's the $#@&in' Mother Confessor and even she scrumps some potatoes occasionally. At least hunting has all that blood and gore you love.

CARA: Human gore! I like human gore.

(And then an offscreen scream! The plot interrupts!)

FUR-WEARING THUGS: Get me a strong one!

THUGS: (drag people around)

WOMAN: There's no need to harm us!

THUGS: (harm her)

(Once again, the costumers have given the helpless peasants different kinds of helpless peasant hats from the other helpless peasants.)

CARA and RICHARD: (shoot thugs with arrows)

WOMAN: YOU KILLED THEM, YOU DICKS!

CARA: But weren't they trying to enslave you or something?

WOMAN: Yes, but we're the Minders, a fictitous group of people meant to rip off the Shakers and Amish but without offending people because we dress like the Bajorans from Star Trek. We mind the laws of the Creator, which teach us that every life is sacred, even the ones that stomp on us like week-old dead caterpillar pudding.

CARA: That's stupid.

WOMAN: But this way nothing ever escalates, like in that movie Batman Begins.

RICHARD: Good point, but if you're total pacifists, then how come you still, you know, exist?

WOMAN: Because our badass healing abilities made us so economically and socially indispensable that none of our neighbors wanted to risk pissing us off lest we leave them to their rotting gallstones!

CARA: (appreciative grunt)

WOMAN: Well after some doofus killed Darken Rahl, a million little warlords sprang up and now one of them is trying to enslave us in a way that's way more realistic than the tenth season of Stargate!

RICHARD: Well Cara and I could escort you to some defensible caves up top. You might be able to hide out there in ways that totally satisfy your pacifism.

WOMAN: Nah, we're good.

RICHARD: . . ?

WOMAN: (walks off)

RICHARD: B-b-b-but!

CARA: Uh, Richard?

RICHARD: ...but I WANNA HELLLLLP PPPEOOOOPLLLLLLLEEE!!

(back with Zedd and Kahlen)

RICHARD: But they were all "no thanks"! I don't get it!

KAHLAN: Look, not everybody wants help. It's cool.

COMPASS: (has gone haywire)

RICHARD: Huh.

MINDER GUY WHOSE NAME IS "KERR": (runs up) Uh, hi. Are you those violent psychopaths who offered to help us a while back? WELL I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO KICK ASS!

(back at the minder camp)

RICHARD: Anywho, starting a temporary Swording-Do school over yonderway, and anyone who wants to can show up so that we can teach them to defend the rest of you.

WOMAN (WHO IS KERR'S MOM): Honeyyyyy, first the emo haircut, and now setting aside our sacred ways?!

LIKE TEN OTHER PEOPLE: (volunteer)

KAHLAN: So our weirdo compass showed us that the Stone of Tears is in your camp.

WOMAN: Isn't. Sorry.

(At Tiger Seeker's School of Martial Woodworking)

WHITTLING: (is lesson one)

KERR: Uh, I thought it would be more badass than this.

RICHARD: Staff fighting is good for beginners. It's not like I can teach you master swordsmanship in two weeks.

KERR: But staffs suck!

RICHARD: Freudian as that may be, I can still kick ass with them!

(the lessons begin and they're right out of a stripmall do-jang)

RICHARD: Kick ass! Get angry!

KERR and TRAINEES: (kick ass and get angry)

RICHARD: Good job, everybody! Keep it up.

KERR and TRAINEES: (keep it up and then go funky-eyed and pass out)

RICHARD: . . ?

WOMAN: (holding her unconscious, green-eyed son's body) I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

RICHARD: Uh, then telling us so might've been nice.

ZEDD: These people are under a binding spell. The Minders must have some kind of magical awesomeness that ancient wizards wanted to prevent them from using violently.

WOMAN: Nya'ah! We choose not to fight because fighting is wrong!

ZEDD: That or your culture made that up because you couldn't fight anyway. Anywho, I can drain out the binding spell, but doing everybody might take days and unleash unknowable, unthinkable, story-moral-inducing consequences!!

RICHARD: Righty-ho, then!

KAHLAN: Uh, you remember the last time we lifted a binding on something?

RICHARD: No.

KAHLAN: That's because you got possessed by the evil spirit of the Seeker from the Blonder Age.

RICHARD: Well like that's going to happen twice.

ZEDD: (induces some shiny magic effects and then falls over)

WOMAN: Well at least this happened with a bunch of badass healers around. The wizard comes with us to the caves!

KERR: (jumps up) Can we fight some more? Huh? Huh? Can we? Can we?

WOMAN: ARE YOU A MORON?

TRAINEE CHICK: But the spell's lifted! We can fight more! Yay!

WOMAN: Yes, but if the spell comes back, the wizard won't be able to help!

KERR: Yeah and if we don't learn to fight we die anyway and stuff.

RICHARD: I see no problems with this.

(Tiger Seeker School of Scarecrow-Bashing)

RICHARD: (at least has them practicing staff moves against straw men instead of each other)

KERR: (smashes a scarecrow with one mighty swash!)

KAHLAN: (checks him out)

(in the caves)

CARA: As part of my post-Mord'Sith development process, I have made you all dinner. I hope you like dead furry things.

WOMAN: Oh, we don't eat anything that's been killed.

CARA: WELL THEN I MADE IT OUT OF ROADKILL! ...because I still can't track deer.

WOMAN: We go gather berries now.

CARA: GYAH!

ZEDD: Cara, go guard them.

CARA: I DON'T WANNA, THE STUPID PACIFISTIC INGRATES.

ZEDD: GO!

CARA: (sulks)

(out picking berries)

WOMAN: Want some?

CARA: ONLY IF THEY ARE STUFFED INSIDE A BIG WAD OF MEAT!

BERRY PICKERS: (get pigsnared in traps)

FUR-WEARING THUGS: (show up and then get their asses kicked by Cara)

WOMAN: (jumps between Cara and the thug) Don't hurt him!

CARA: But I'm not gonna kill him, just make him wish he were dead and then maybe kill him a little.

WOMAN: Oh c'monnnn! (lets the thug go)

(back at the Tiger Seeker School of Impending Irony)

RICHARD: Okay, that's it for today, people! Get some rest.

KERR: But I don't want to rest! I want to try fighting for real! Let's fight! Let's fight! And let's use swords or something cool like that.

RICHARD: Awww! (pats him on the head)

KERR: (tries to bite his hand)

RICHARD: That's cute. (draws the S of T and starts a practice fight)

KERR: (kicks ass with the staff)

RICHARD: Wow! I'm awesome at teaching!

KERR: (gets Richard in the face and gives him a small, bleeding cut)

RICHARD: GYAARARRHH! SEEKER SMASH! (glowy-swords Kerr's staff out of his hand and knocks him down)

KAHLAN: Richard? What's with the sudden irrational rage?

RICHARD: Shut up! Stop meddling! I hate rush hour traffic! STELLA!

(back in the caves)

KAHLAN: And he was suddenly weirdly angry and not his usual cute guy anger!

CARA: You're just mad 'cause he yelled at you.

KAHLAN: I kill you. Anyway, the Sword of Truth was all glowing. That important?

ZEDD: Uh, yes?! It's fueled by anger. That's what allows the Seeker to fight with the strength of many men.

(Issue: So that's what the S o T actually does in this!!)

ZEDD: But it only starts glowing when the anger turns to rage.

KAHLAN: (gasp) A completely subjective vocabulistic distinction! Is it dangerous?

ZEDD: HELLS YES!

(nighttime at the Tiger Seeker School of Imminent Oops-Hood)

RICHARD: Let's do more than just defend the caves. Let's attack the slavers and get your friends and your village back!

TRAINEES: Ummmm...

RICHARD: I SAID DO IT OR ELSE YOU'RE ALL PANSIES!

KERR: Okay, but we need better weapons.

RICHARD: To the weapon-stealing run!

(Now I can't see just whom they're stealing these from. They might be the furry thugs or they might just be some people stupidly sleeping outside with no watch dogs but hey, they slit some dude's throat pretty neat when they could've just shoved a sock in his mouth or something.)

RICHARD: (hands out weapons) Your enemies' lives are worthless! Don't think of them as human! You rule and thugs drool! Anger is good and self-control is bad!

TRAINEES: (start to look iffy)

(later, that same site)

KAHLAN: Yup, they're gone.

WOMAN: ...but if the slavers didn't take them, then where did they go?

(slowmo-battle scene)

(Richard and the trainees are totally kicking ass and being merciless and there's fake blood flying almost everywhere and the Sword of T is all super-glowy. I like that it actually looks like hot metal and doesn't always light up all the way. I also like that the enslaved Minders are cowering and don't seem to like seeing their bros all violent like this.)

(later)

WOMAN: My village is covered in dead bodies, NOOOOOOOOO!!

(Cara, Kahlan and the woman find a Minder chick)

WOMAN: TAMRA OH MY GOD YOU'RE OKAY! (hugs)

TAMRA: THERE IS NO GOD, OKAY! I HAVE SEEN SUCH THINGS! KERR KILLED PEOPLE LIKE CRAZY EVEN IF THEY WERE TRYING TO RUN AWAY AND THAT SEEKER DUDE WAS CHEERING THEM ON.

WOMAN: Darn that Seeker!

KAHLAN: That isn't like Richard. It must be the spell.

CARA: What, killing slavers? I'm good with that, actually.

ZEDD: (offscreen) Hey guyyys! I found this plaque on the side of this temple and it's written in this old-timey language that the Minders probably didn't know how to read.

WOMAN: We sure don't. And there's more inside!

ZEDD: Great. I'll hop to it while you girls bring back Richard. And Cara?

CARA: Yep?

ZEDD: No need to go easy on the agiel.

CARA: (sulks anyway)

(in the woods)

RICHARD: (checking out enemy camp)

KERR: A hundred more souls for us to send to the Keeper.* (I don't know if this is plot-significant or if he's just using an expression, but it's verbatim.)

RICHARD: Well we can't fight that many.

KERR: But I wanna fiiiiiiiight peeeeeeoplllllleee!

RICHARD: And we will! But this time we'll just set them on fire while they sleep. (Has another blitzout moment like when Kerr hit him with the staff.)

KERR: You okay? Looked for a moment like some spell that was either breaking or getting worse.

RICHARD: Never mind it. I'm fine.

CARA and KAHLAN: (show up)

RICHARD: Hey. Wanna watch me kill some dudes?

KAHLAN: The Minders have their village back and they're badass now. You've totally hellllped peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeopleeeee. Now let's head on back.

RICHARD: I SAID I DON'T WANNA! (fight begins)

CARA: (attempts Mord'Sith pwnage)

RICHARD: (kicks Cara in the face)

KAHLAN: (kicks the Sword of Truth out of Richard's hands)

RICHARD: (blinks) Huh? Honey, I think the spell is brok—

KAHLAN: (kicks Richard in the face)

RICHARD: Ow!

KAHLAN: Eeep!

RICHARD: —ken. Spell broken. Oh my God WHAT DID I DO! (runs to Cara, who is unconscious)

(back at the village)

RICHARD: CAN YOU GUYS HELP CARA PLEASE?!

WOMAN: She's an unrepentant killer. She'll kill more.

RICHARD: But isn't letting her die the same as killing her yourself?

WOMAN: Despite my long years as a healer, I have never thought of it that way before. (complies)

RICHARD: Zedd, how could I do it? How could I try to kill Kahlan and Cara? They're like my best friends and they're both really, really hot!!

ZEDD: Gotta show you something, buddy.

(inside the temple)

ZEDD: These heiroglyphics show how an evil warlord used evil magic to bind a group of warriors to his will thousands of years ago. With their badass fighting skill and utter rage, the evil warlord cut a path across the ancient world.

RICHARD: Gasp!

ZEDD: And this temple was set on the very spot where he was beheaded! And a wizard put a binding spell on the warriors so that they could never be used like that again. AND YOU TOTALLY BECAME THEIR NEW MASTER, RICHARD.

RICHARD: GASP!

ZEDD: ...because the first evil warlord was your ancestor Canton Rahl!

RICHARD: (gets asthma)

ZEDD: See, the Minders became bound to you the minute I removed the spell, but the enslavement to your will didn't kick in until you got angry. And even that wouldn't have been a problem if the Sword of Truth hadn't kicked your range into an unstoppable high gear. Every time you use the sword and lose yourself in rage, they'll all go bonkers!

RICHARD: So I have to learn to control the anger of sword.

ZEDD: Meh. Not likely.

RICHARD: Of all the magically enslaved clans of all the random peasant villages in all the world, I had to walk into this one.

ZEDD: I don't think it's a coincidence at all.

RICHARD: . . .

ZEDD: I think the writers cooked it up for pre-sweeps! And also the compass told us to come here. Maybe it brought you here to gain an army. Maybe it brought you here to gain some moralistic self-knowledge that won't piss off the censors.

RICHARD: It's probably the second one.

ZEDD: Yep.

WOMAN: OH MY GOD THE FUR-WEARING THUGS ARE BACK! See? Killing brings more killing, and I FREAKING TOLD YOU!

(watching soldiers walk up a hill toward the village)

RICHARD: So Zedd's still out for the count fireball-wise, and Cara's noggincrunched, so it's just me, Kahlan and about fifteen n00bs against some trained soldiers.

KAHLAN: Actually, those are pretty good odds compared to most of season I.

RICHARD: True.

KAHLAN: (hands him the Sword of Truth)

RICHARD: BUT IF I USE THE SWORD I'LL GO RAGEY-MAD AGAIN!! I have to wait until I can be sure of controlling myself.

ZEDD: Yeah, but if you don't, the Minders you trained will revert to cowering pansies!

KAHLAN: It's okay. I trust you, Richard.

RICHARD: Even against all evidence to the contrary? Wow, then that's good enough for me.

(Richard, Kahlan, Zedd and all of the Minders are on the field of possible battle as the thugs ride up.)

KERR: Uh, shouldn't you take the binding spell off the others just in case?

RICHARD: Nope. They just have to look like they're going to fight.

KERR: Heeeyyyyyyyy!!

RICHARD: I know, right?

THUG LEADER: (rides up)

RICHARD: We're totally going to kick your ass. Also, you're outnumbered.

THUG LEADER: How do I know you won't come and kill us anyway?

WOMAN: I'm the leader and you have my word.

THUG LEADER: DO I LOOK STUPID TO YOU?

THUG WHOM THE WOMAN LET GO EARLIER: Uh, boss? She tells the truths!

THUG LEADER: Well okay then. (rides off)

KID WITH AN AXE AND TEDDY MONKEY: (is there for some reason)

MINDERS: (cheer!)

(back at the village)

ZEDD: Okay, everyone who had their binding taken off, pick up some rope and put it back on while Richard learns to control the anger of the sword.

RICHARD: I thought you said that was meh, not likely.

ZEDD: SHUT IT!

(the campfire clearing of great shouting!)

RICHARD: (draws the sword and grows hyper-ragey)

(ItB: Richard learning to control his anger and make the sword glow white instead of red was a really huge deal that took him months and lots of Denna-induced torture to figure out.)

(back at the village)

TRAINEES: (also go hyper-ragey)

ZEDD: WHAT ARE YOU ANGRY AT?

RICHARD: Darken Rahl!

ZEDD: You killed him already. What are you really angry at?

RICHARD: No, seriously, he's still bitching us up from the underworld and sending us undead beasties. Plenty of legitimate reasons to still be pissed off.

ZEDD: Shut it! What are you really angry at?

RICHARD: The Keeper!

ZEDD: But you're the one who released him. What are you really angry at?

RICHARD: Losing everything I ever loved in Hartland from either dying or being stuck behind a boundary forever!

ZEDD: Uh ...that happens to everyone?

RICHARD: NO IT DOESN'T, YOU DICK!

ZEDD: WHATEVER. What are you really angry at?

RICHARD: I can never be with Kahlan without getting mind$#@%cked!

ZEDD: NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE! And look at her; she's like a nine! What are you angry at?!

RICHARD: YOU, YOU FIREBALLING SOB! YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHO I WAS OR WHETHER WE WERE RELATED AND YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS WITH THIS SWORD AND ALL THAT CRUD! GYAAAAH!

KAHLAN: Richard! Don't kill Zedd!

ZEDD: No let him do it!

KAHLAN: ARE YOU BRAINDEAD?

RICHARD: (stops himself)

(Star Wars "Princess Leia Theme" plays...)

RICHARD and the TRAINEES: (both go calm)

ZEDD: And that's why Richard and nobody else can be Seeker.

(back at the village the next day)

CARA: So thanks for saving my life and stuff.

WOMAN: You're welcome, you agiel-slinging harlot.

CARA: GYAH! (sluts on off)

(walking out of the village)

ZEDD: I thought there was nothing but good in Richard.

KAHLAN: There is. The evil rage and the homicidal wickedness and the cleaning his toes with my priestess knife were magic-spell-induced!

ZEDD: Yeah, but we just learned that he's really a Rahl. I wasn't sure until now but he's inherited the House of Rahl's magical power.

(ItB: Zedd knew the whole time.)

ZEDD: ...but the part of the Minders' backstory that I didn't tell Richard was that Canton Rahl had started out as a good guy with nothing but protective intentions! He only became a bad guy after he killed and killed and killed until he went mad. ...what if Richard goes evil one day?!

(ominous end credits)

some good news

2009-12-21T14:15:04Z

Whatever gets us a better way.

Neuroscience and early education.

"Teaching is an ancient craft, and yet we really have had no idea how it affected the developing brain," said Kurt Fischer, director of the Mind, Brain and Education program at Harvard. "Well, that is beginning to change, and for the first time we are seeing the fields of brain science and education work together."

Of course, even if we get these findings, there's still the matter of integrating them into the K-12 system, which is so very entrenched in old, early-industrial models.

One of the major points of this article is that children develop math skills earlier than we thought and "language" skills (really "reading" skills) later than we thought. It makes sense. Counting and adding and recognizing geometric shapes are all natural processes that would serve early modern humans well in the wild. Reading, however tightly we may associate it with language, is not a natural process. Don't get me wrong; it's useful as all get-out, but it's a post-civilization thing.

Nothing brings on the spirit like Christmas lung fungus.

2009-12-18T14:09:34Z

Although their season three episode was good and this past season's wasn't bad, "The Man in the Fallout Shelter" is possibly the best Christmas episode I've ever seen of any show, ever.

They're doing things with the photography that they didn't bother doing in later seasons, such as the scene with Booth and Bones on the walkway in front of the arched windows. (Christmas makes us hearken back to better times...)

When Booth is on the phone with Parker's mother, he says, "Sid agreed to bring him by." We later learn that Parker's mother's name is Rebecca, but we never learn who Sid is. My own guess at this point is that it's Parker's paternal grandfather.

and it ends on broken in two

2009-12-18T04:28:15Z

Hey guys..?

Ignore the video. Consider closing your eyes. This song is better with one's own imagery.

unfortunate synergy

2009-12-16T03:21:28Z

I'm watching HBO's spot on the making of Complicated.

One of the actors is going on about, "Because you don't really know which guy she's going to choose, and you don't know which guy you want her to choose," and then Meryl Streep's character is talking to her ex-husband, who is Alec Baldwin's character...

"Gotta go, Jake."

BWAA-HAHAHEHEHAHAA!

I've never seen montage this far south before...

2009-12-14T15:34:27Z

Legend of the Squeaker, season two, episode five. Now that Mrs. Brisbee has left for Thorn Valley, the spirit of Nicodemus must—all right then.

"Wizard"

Montage, montage, montage... Shiny blue compass that they stole off of Pirates of Dark Water. Remember that show? Funny how they changed Nibbler's voice actor after the first five episodes.

ZEDD: Hey, this thing is leading us past this town known for great hot toddies.

RICHARD: We don't have time to get drunk, Zedd.

ZEDD: Hot toddy is a drink now? You young people. In my day, a "hot toddy" was when she $#@%s your #$%**& but then you —

RICHARD: AACK!

KAHLAN: AACK!

CARA: My years of training have given me a high tolerance to pain of all sorts, but yes, that was rather awful.

RICHARD: Hey, look over there!

KAHLAN: A persimmon!

ZEDD: Wow! My favorite fruit and there's exactly one of them growing on an otherwise barren tree. And it's the only brightly colored object out here, placed right in plain view, no less!

RICHARD: To you think it might be a trap, Zedd?

ZEDD: (mouth full) Mmrrmrph? (gulps) I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention because I was eating this wonderful persimmon. It had a nice "trap" aftertaste.

(later on)

ZEDD: Hey, can I have some of that ...stuff. We keep it in containers.

RICHARD: . . .

ZEDD: Sometimes it falls from the sky?

RICHARD: Water?

ZEDD: Yeah! Yeah!

CARA: (hands him a waterskin) Here you go.

ZEDD: (glugglug glug) Thank you, Kahlan.

CARA: I'm Cara, numbnuts. The chick in the green boob dress is Kahlan.

ZEDD: Oh, sorry. Bad enough that old age has messed with my joints and my bowels, but now I'm calling Harlot by the wrong name.

CARA: I said I'm CARA.

ZEDD: I know. I remembered that time.

RICHARD: Oh Zedd, I hope that I'm half as mobile when I get so very, very, very, very old as you are. How many other decrepit geezers can still mack on chicks the way you do?

ZEDD: I guess you're right. Now where's my idiot daughter Taralin? And who are you guys? Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?

KAHLAN: . . .

RICHARD: . . .

CARA: So... Cursed persimmon?

ZEDD: Seems like.

RICHARD: Yep.

ZEDD: There is a potion that can undo it. You will need ground Shadrin's horn, andragorah and elderberry.

CARA: But then you will have a grandfather who smelt of elderberry!

RICHARD: It's worth it, I tell you!

ZEDD: There's only one person out there with enough power to overcome my protective magics and who knows my weakness for sweet squishy orange hugeberries!

CARA: Actually I think that last one is a bit more obvious than you might—

ZEDD: SHOTA! That bitch can not take being dumped.

RICHARD: Okay, Cara and I will split up to get the ingredients while Kahlan keeps an eye on Zedd.

CARA: You don't think maybe I should do that, being the only one here who's immune to magic?

ZEDD: AAA, WHO ARE YOU GUYS AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE A HIGHLY DANGEROUS FIREBOMBBLASTING WIZARD WHO JUST BECAME MENTALLY UNSTABLE? (force-blasts all three of them and runs off)

CARA: (reverses the blast but is too concerned with the unconscious Richard to follow Zedd)

RICHARD: (wakes up) Well would you go get him?!

CARA: (sigh) Fine.

(a tavern)

ZEDD: (interrupts thugs at their protection racket)

THUGS: Well, what are you gonna do about it, old man?

ZEDD: (distracted by blond bar floozie) Well I know what I want to do.

PIMP: Payment up front!

ZEDD: (magic-multiplies some coins)

PIMP: GIRLS! GIVE THIS GENT THE BEST NIGHT OF HIS LIFE.

ZEDD: What about blondie?

PIMP: Salindra? Ask her nice and see if she wants to go.

SALINDRA: Sorry, you remind me of my grandfather. Which you're old enough to be. And then some. HA HA HA.

SALINDRA'S CLIENT: HA HA HA!

ZEDD: :[

CARA: (busts in) I knew I'd find you here looking for a hot toddy!

PIMP: Those cost extra!

ZEDD: AAA! (is zapped away)

(a soothing forest glen)

SHOTA: Hi, buddy! I brought you here to save you from the scary woman in red, who totally was going to kill you. And I love you or something.

ZEDD: Huh?

SHOTA: Yes, and you're Zeddicus Z'ull Zorander, the most powerful wizard the world has seen in three thousand years.

ZEDD: Huh?

SHOTA: And you need to do something realllly important to save the world or else every living thing on it will die horribly as the Keeper rips the underworld into the land of the living. Only you can name a true Seeker, one who's not destined to FAIL LIKE I WARNED YOU GUYS BUT DID I GET A THANK YOU?!

ZEDD: Huh?

SHOTA: You gotta name a different Seeker.

ZEDD: Okay.

SHOTA: Now hold still and lemme turn you young...

ZEDD: Yay! (morphs into a somewhat dorky looking blonde dude)

SHOTA: (digs that, apparently) You were the great love of my life, Zeddicus.*

ZEDD: (sees reflection) I'm not surprised!*

SHOTA: Awesome! First you have to take the Sword of Truth back from Richard Cypher and his buddies... (does her mirror vision thingy and we see...)

(elsewhere)

RICHARD and KAHLAN: (...are monster hunting)

RICHARD: (gets the Shadrin in the eye)

THUGS: (show up) You are poaching on Drago's land! Also, Drago was a good buddy of Lord Rahl and we're going to kill you now.

SHOTA: Give me your hand so that I can temporarily control your powers.

ZEDD: AWESOME.

RICHARD: (is fighting)

SWORD OF TRUTH: (disappears)

ZEDD: (holding sword) Cool!

RICHARD: WTF? (keeps fighting)

ZEDD and SHOTA: (also zap the MacGuffin compass while they're at it)

SHOTA: Great! Now let's head out to the province where we'll find the new Seeker.

ZEDD: Buuuut I don't wanna leave.

SHOTA: . . .

ZEDD: . . .

SHOTA: Why not?

ZEDD: . . .

SHOTA: Is it the blonde pro over in the bar?

ZEDD: . . .

SHOTA: GEEZ. I just made you young, virile and attractive; what are you bothering about chasing girls for?!

(ItB: I just remembered that Shota's main power in the books is illusions. She might have just made Zedd and everyone around him think that his youth had been restored.)

ZEDD: (freezezaps Shota and goes looking for a hot toddy)

SHOTA: (unzaps herself)

(back at the bar)

ZEDD: (turns Salindra's other client into a mouse)

SALINDRA: (takes it rather well, actually)

ZEDD: (changes her slutty dress into a Dior princess gown, zaps the pimp into a footman's costume and gives all her fellow harlots super-fine threads)

HARLOTS: Wow!

SALINDRA: So you're a little creepy, but the expression of this creepy is that you give my buds and me new clothes that suggest you have a slightly higher level of respect for us than our usual customer base? Okay, I can deal.

ZEDD: And for my next trick, I will raise a palace out of these ruins!

HARLOTS: (golf clap)

KAHLAN: Now that we've completed the potion, how do we find Zedd?

RICHARD: (sees palace rising in the distance) My crazy tracking skills tell me Zedd might be yon thataway.

CARA: All right, you old geezer; time for your medicine!

SHOTA: Not if I have anything to say about it! Your puny potion will not work against my awesome spells. I must undo it myself!

(Issue: If it's so important that someone other than Richard be the Seeker, then why doesn't Shota just tell him that? From his perspective, he could just downgrade to being Kahlan's bodyguard, work as a helper and guide to the new Seeker and/or helllllp peopllllle full-time.)

SHOTA: ...and I will right after he's named a new Seeker.

RICHARD: Eh?

(Issue: Well. Huh.)

SHOTA: You mean that geezetard didn't tell you?! DAY-UM, Zedd!

KAHLAN: But Richard is the Seeker, and the Seeker is my excuse for hanging out with him!

SHOTA: I thought that if I took away Zedd's memories of his sentimental attachment to Richard as his grandson, then he'd view the issues objectively and see that he really did need to name a new Seeker.

PLOT: (makes sense, actually)

SHOTA: I didn't come for your help. Harlot!

CARA: Yo.

SHOTA: Zedd can't use his magic against you, and you don't care whether Richard Rahl is Seeker or not so long as you can protect him. Will you help me?

CARA: Well I was going to before you went off with that "Harlot" BS again. Hey, remember the part where witches can't use their magic against Mord'Sith? (agiels Shota)

(inside the palace)

CITIZENS of WINTERHAVEN: (petition Zedd for his help against the thugs)

ZEDD: (does the coin trick again)

NICE HARLOT from the BAR: Hey.

ZEDD: Hey, you're that girl who was nice to me even before I became young and pretty again. What up?

HARLOT: (petitions Zedd for help against Banelings, monsters and other results of the rift snapping open)

ZEDD: That's right. Gotta name a new Seeker... Uh... I name me!

(Lightning crash!)

(That sucked.)

ZEDD: The compass is working. My princess and anyone who wishes to accompany us will go right away.

SALINDRA: (doesn't flinch, actually)

DRAGO: (partycrashes) Okay! Who raised up a castle without checking to see if the bluff was properly zoned first?

SALINDRA: Drago, you always did overestimate what you had in your quiver.*

DRAGO: BUT YOU SAID IT WAS NO BIG DEAL!

SALINDRA: Trust me, IT WASN'T!

ZEDD: (bombblasts Drago and intimidates his guards)

TOWNSFOLK: (cheer)

DRAGO'S BODY: (steams)

(the Underworld)

DRAGO: (wakes up naked etc. etc.)

DARKEN RAHL: Hey buddy!

DRAGO: My lord!

DARKEN RAHL: Here is my standard-issue offer from the Keeper, who will hereafter be referred to as the Party of the First Part...

DRAGO: Cool! And I'll start by killing that annoying Zedd Wizard Seeker guy!

DARKEN RAHL: Wait... Zedd's the Seeker now? What happened to that whiny guy who killed my ass?

ZEDD: (riding out on palanquins with the princess and heralds and trumpeters and all that Mabinogion crud)

RIFT IN THE UNDERWORLD: (blocks the way)

HARLOT: This is the spot!

ZEDD: (gives a long shouting, hair-blowing speech into the rift)

CROSSBOW DUDE: (shoots Salindra in the chest)

SALINDRA: (dies)

ZEDD: NOOOOOOO!! I have to bring you back to liiiiiife!

(Underworld)

DARKEN RAHL: Hi, Salindra!

SALINDRA: What are you going to do to me? Because I've seen it all!

DARKEN RAHL: So if you send the Seeker, the sword and the compass to the underworld, the Keeper will let you go.

SALINDRA: Ummm... Couldn't I just give you a hot toddy?

DARKEN RAHL: You mean like a bedtime drink?

SALINDRA: The Wizard has been a nice guy!

DARKEN RAHL: The Keeper has a very special room of torments for those who traffic in love.*

MOMENT of AWESOME in five, four, three...

DARKEN RAHL: Come, Salindra. You're a practical girl.*

ZEDD: THIS HAS TO WORK BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I CAN'T DOOOOOOO!!

SALINDRA: (comes back) No! I said no! But I told him I didn't want to kill you but I said no! And then I was suddenly looking up into your melted topaz butterscotch eyes.

ZEDD: I am so glad you're okay, BEHOLD HOW AWESOME I AM, EVERYBODY!

EVERYBODY: (cheers)

(a few feet off, the others are watching Zedd chant and stamp)

SHOTA: I am not going out there until you subdue him.

CARA: But if I go out there to subdue him, you will subdue Richard and Kahlan.

SHOTA: Yep!

RICHARD: When Shota took away his memories, he lost his wisdom, judgment and sense of consequences.

SHOTA: And his ability to not make an ass#@$% of himself in front of the rubes.

RICHARD: He's turned himself into a king... He isn't going to be happy about us coming to take it away. ...but with his power, he might actually find the stone.

KAHLAN: But he's not the real Seeker!

RICHARD: No, but if the world gets saved, what does it matter? And witch-face here says I can't do it.

KAHLAN: But he's turned into a brainless boob!

RICHARD: Right... I can work with that!

SALINDRA: I am so frightened for you.

ZEDD: Baby, it's all good.

SALINDRA: When I was in the underworld, I heard Darken Rahl talking to the Keeper. They are super scared that you will march right into the underworld with the Sword of Truth and the compass and kick the Keeper's ass!

ZEDD: Hey, that's an idea.

RICHARD: Hi. Notice how you lost your memory?

ZEDD: Yes, actually. Who are you, while we're at it?

RICHARD: I'm your grandson. You were awesome at being a grandfather, BTW. And with you, the most evil despot who ever lived would still be on his throne.

ZEDD: That sounds like me. Anywho, we can chat later, right now I have to march into the underworld to do battle with the Keeper.

RICHARD: You can't do that!

ZEDD: Can too!

RICHARD: NO!

ZEDD: YES! I know because my ex-floozie sweetiepants told me so.

RICHARD: Hello, she's LYING.

(fight: ensues)

(at the edge of the rift)

SALINDRA: May you fight awesomely, Zeddicus.

ZEDD: Thank you. I always do.

(in the underworld)

ZEDD: (touches the walls) (starts to get older)

(outside)

RICHARD: I'm going in after him!

KAHLAN: NO! NO NO NO that is suicidal and insane and completely effin' turnip headed so I'M COMING WITH YOU.

RICHARD: But then who'd stay alive to find the stone? Don't follow me, Kahlan! (stupidly walks off into the underworld)

(in the tunnel)

(Darn but the underworld effects are cool. The chaotic winds suggest the first level of Dante's vision of Hell.)

RICHARD: (also starts to get older)

ZEDD: (drops the sword)

DARKEN RAHL: HAHAHAHE PTTTTTTTBBT! I'm gonna close the gate on you two!

GATE: (is taking for effin' ever to close)

DARKEN RAHL: Dammit! I've got to get the banelings to oil that thing.

(outside)

ZEDD: (old again) I failed, nooooo!

SALINDRA: (falls over twitching)

ZEDD: Okay, lemme heal you...

SALINDRA: Don't bother. The Keeper's calling me back. I tricked you and stuff because I didn't want to die. (dies)

ZEDD: (sobs)

CARA: Break the spell already!

SHOTA: Oh whatevs. (Does so)

ZEDD: OH HOLY HELL I'VE BEEN A COMPLETE ASS.

KAHLAN: It's Shota's fault.

SHOTA: Hey, I'm the one trying to save the world here. If Zedd weren't such a showboating little princess, it would've worked.

CARA: Can I kill her yet, please?!

RICHARD: (also old and geezerly) Nah. We might need her some day. And she's more fun to watch than any of this show's straight villains.

SHOTA: You are wise in your old age. Zedd, call me when you want to know where my new Seeker candidate is. SHOTA OUT! (vanishes)

KAHLAN: (supporting old decrepit Richard) (big cow eyes) Zeeeddd..?

ZEDD: Okay, lemme see... (reverses Richard's aging)

RICHARD: Cool!

(later)

ZEDD: I didn't tell you about the prophecy because I didn't want you to start doubting your abilities as a Seeker and Shota was probably lying so that she could have some little rube Seeker who'd do her every bidding by proxy anyhow.

RICHARD: So why didn't you make yourself young instead of complaining about your bones and your guts and your bowels all the time?

ZEDD: Because Bruce Spence is the only actor on this show worth a damn.

RICHARD: HEY!

ZEDD: Oh you don't think the ladies are tuning in for your lame abs?

RICHARD: HEY!

* Verbatim or close to.

Wow! It's actually good!

2009-12-11T01:59:22Z

Okay, I heard that Zooey Deschanel was in this episode, soooo...

Okay, they've done Santa episodes well before. That one time. When they did it well.

...I am surprised that only one bystander got covered in Santa goo. Okay, one bystander and Booth.

The look on Booth's face as Bones takes his clothes off is kind of funny. And David Boreanaz has gotten back into shape since the last season of Angel. He doesn't look nineteen like a certain werewolf actor does, making this much less creepy for me, being over twenty-five but still. Thank you, Agent.

Okay taking the pants off kind of kills the humor of it.

NO, BONES, NOT THE HAIR.

"How long do I have to stay here?!" and we don't know whether she means the guts or the Daisy.

Nice couple of twists! So far this episode is actually good!

Okay, Cam should have spoken her mind to Michelle way earlier. No, it isn't fair. I get that Cam is still getting her parenting in gear, but step up, lady!

My sister's reaction to this episode was "Who wrote that and when did they write it?" I have to agree. It was almost like old Bones!

the girliest episode of all time!

2009-12-09T03:23:25Z

Legend of the Freaker, season two, episode six. Greenwich Village's least-known S&M equipment shop is facing foreclosure. Can a ragtag group of misfits save it from—yeah, sure.

Just let me say, that this episode starts out really weird but ends up pretty good by the end. It's probably one of their best ones.

"Touched": Montage montage montage—night hiking, yay!

Kahlan is humming spookily to some glowy sparkly flying thing. I think I saw a scene like this in Fern Gully but with better music.

SPARKLY-GLOWY THINGS: (come out)

OWL CITY FANS: Teeeeeen million firefliiiiies!

CARA: They're Night Wisps, you dorks.

OWL CITY FANS: (shut up)

(ItB: A Night Wisp shows up once in the first book. Her name is Shar and she guides Kahlan across the boundary to the Westland. Being away from her homeland that long is lethal. She asks Kahlan to touch her with her power before she dies so that she would be full of love for Kahlan instead of fear and homesickness.)

KAHLAN: Glowing Night Wisps, I need you to tell me whether the Dreamcaster was right about me being the last Confessor alive. Ponies! Singing! Magic animals!

RICHARD: ...Zedd, did your testosterone levels take a huge hit there or was it just me?

NIGHT WISPS: (sparkle on out)

(elsewhere)

GIRL READING A BOOK IN BED WHEN SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING: Hey! Shiny!

GIRL'S DAD: You'd better go to sleep.

GIRL whose name is ANNABELLE: I want to travel to distant lands, fall in love, get married, wrestle ponies and be a better reader surrogate for bored average girls than Bella Swan—

GIRL'S DAD: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

(the next day)

KAHLAN: The Night Wisps say that the only other Confessor is in a tower. She must need rescuing.

CARA: Girlyyyyyyyyyyyy...

RICHARD: Great! Let's go help this girl and then continue on our way.

FLYNN: But I don't wanna deviate from our quest!

ZEDD: I agree. Let's save the world and then save the cheerleader.

RICHARD: Then Cara and Zedd will go to Pomora and Kahlan and I will take Flynn with us.

FLYNN: That makes no sense.

ZEDD: Just go with it.

ANNABELLE: (is weaving)

SERVANT: (brings food to the girl and her dad)

DAD: (tastes food) (falls over)

SERVANT: It's just a sleeping potion now LET'S RUN AWAY!

(the next day)

OTHER SERVANT: It wasn't just a sleeping potion. He's dead.

KAHLAN: Gasp!

OTHER SERVANT: Our lord guy was an evil D'Haran commander who got mindfrelled by a Confessor causing him to give up his evil ways and his hot duchess girlfriend. They spawned Annabelle but the Confessorchick died in childbirth. Even though the lord loved the kid his daughter, he swore no one would ever be Confessed by her and she grew up believing that she was cuuuuuuuursed!

KAHLAN: GASP!

(in the woods)

SERVANT: (has brought Annabelle to be sold to thugs)

SORCERER THUG: (takes out creepy shiny thing that sucks out Annabelle's powers and distills them in liquid form like in Dark Crystal)

ANNABELLE: (apparently passes Confessor litmus test)

SORCERER: (stabs henchman with a pen dipped in Eu d'Confessor)

HENCHMAN: (is Confessed, but loyal to the head thug, OMG!)

SORCERER: Kill the servant chick!

HENCHMAN: (does so)

RICHARD and KAHLAN: (show up)

In the ensuing fray, the Confessed henchman is killed, Annabelle pitches boobs-down into the ground (in slomo, no less) and Flynn beats the crud out of another henchdude.

ANNABELLE: Where did you come from?

FLYNN: I just wait around hoping to make an easy kill and then score with some innocent rescuee.

ANNABELLE: You're cute!

FLYNN: Thanks, I know.

(Meanwhile)

RICHARD: (almost gets blown up)

SORCERER: (escapes)

ANNABELLE: I've never done this romance stuff before. (innocently Confesses Flynn without meaning to)

FLYNN: COMMAND ME, CONFESSOR.

ANNABELLE: Wow! I'm good at something!

KAHLAN: Aw crud.

(Well, that's it. Annabelle's dead. Climax of this episode? Self-sacrifice on a stick.)

KAHLAN: Annabelle, it wasn't your fault what with the not knowing about it, but you're a Confessor and you just bent poor Flynn's mind to your will!

ANNABELLE: I did?

FLYNN: Don't worry, baby, I feel great.

KAHLAN: Yep. You ripped out his free will and now he's like a walking zombie but with better hygiene.

ANNABELLE: He is?

FLYNN: Yes but I'm all right with it.

KAHLAN: Confessed men become utter slaves to the wills of their Confessors and the effects last until you die.

ANNABELLE: They do?!

FLYNN: I SAID I AM TOTALLY DIGGING THIS HERE.

RICHARD: Your dad is dead, BTW.

ANNABELLE: AAAA!

KAHLAN: And we're going to take you to a safe place where they can train you to control your power and take up the extremely heavy mantle of your holy duties to the Midlands.

ANNABELLE: Also AAAA!

FLYNN: HEY! Do you two wanna cool it with the life-changing news? You're scaring my new indomitable brainmaster!

KAHLAN: Okay, okay...

FLYNN: (to Annabelle) Don't worry, my love. I will totally protect you from scary news and D'Harans and splinters and werewolves who keep taking their shirts off. (smoochy smoochy on her hand)

ANNABELLE: Wow, just like in my books. I'll go with you guys if he comes too.

(They're on the road to Pomora. They certainly do get around.)

ZEDD: Huh. For some reason all these hordes of screaming refugees running away from the place we're running toward give me a sense of unease.

CARA: Girlyyyyyyyyyyyy.

(At the cloister of Pomora.)

PRIORESS: Sorry, but a drawing of the rune doesn't help. The whole point of bringing the rune here was because it turns the rune bearer's hand into a key to open up the tomb where the Stone of Tears is supposedly buried. Also, Darken Rahl's men were here trying to open it up. The villagers killed them after the fall, but now they're coming back from the dead and pissing everyone off.

ZEDD: Sooo, we have a whole horde of Banelings between us in the Stone of Tears?

PRIORESS: Yep.

ZEDD: Nertz.

(campsite)

KAHLAN: So I never asked Flynn where his family was and maybe he has a wife or parents or someone he owed money to and now they'll never have him back for reals and it's all my fauuuuuuuuullt!

ANNABELLE: (happily feeding the horse)

RICHARD: Easy, baby. These things happen.

KAHLAN: And Flynn might have been a bit of a douche, but even he doesn't deserve to spend the rest of his life longing for someone he'll never see again.

RICHARD: Really? 'Cause I'm not seeing why he can't just go with Annabelle after Pomora.

KAHLAN: Nope. No boyfriends at Confessor school! They're a distraction.

RICHARD: Huh, 'cause right now he seems more like a security blanket, you know, keeping her on track and all. And Annabelle is an unusual case. Maybe they could make an except—

KAHLAN: Nope.

RICHARD: But I didn't f—

KAHLAN: N'ya'ah.

RICHARD: But—

KAHLAN: NO!

ANNABELLE: Kahlan says that I have to go to Aydindril for training but that you have to go with Richard for the war. I don't want to go without you.

FLYNN: OH MY GOD MY FIRST MISSION okay! I am so not going to screw this up.

ANNABELLE: . . ?

KAHLAN: Time to turn in! Big day of world-saving tomorrow.

FLYNN: I RUNS GETS MORE FIRESWOOD! (does so)

KAHLAN: Okay...

ANNABELLE: Hey! Could Flynn and me get married?

KAHLAN: I'm sorry. It doesn't work like that. A Confessor's only solace is the camaraderie and solidarity that she feels for her sisters ...which you'll never experience because except for me, our sisters are all dead. Confessors have to be emo and mopey about love all the time. When you pick out a guy to spawn with, well, let's just say that Flynn has skinny ankles and a possibly heritable tendency toward kleptomania. The father of Confessor children should have strength and a noble mind and abs like the gayest of male prostitutes.

ANNABELLE: Wait, if keeping a Confessed guy around is so bad, then what is Richard doing with you?

KAHLAN: Richard isn't Confessed! I've had to be quite careful about that, actually.

ANNABELLE: But his eyes watch you constantly, full of dewy adoration.

KAHLAN: They do?

ANNABELLE: And he follows you like a puppy wherever you go.

KAHLAN: He does?

ANNABELLE: Do not tell me you haven't noticed this crud. I mean I was locked up my whole life with nobody with my dad and our geriatric handyman and even I get the gist.

KAHLAN: Yes, well, Richard isn't my frelled-out mindslave.

ANNABELLE: But he still makes you the focus of his twinkly-perfect affections!

KAHLAN: THERE ARE ACTUALLY WAYS TO GET A GUY TO DO THAT OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.

ANNABELLE: Yeah but who wants to bother?

KAHLAN: GYAH! Richard's mission is too important for me to Confess him, which is what would happen if we ever had sex!

ANNABELLE: Had what?

KAHLAN: Sex.

ANNABELLE: M'huh?

KAHLAN: Sex.

ANNABELLE: Whazzat?

KAHLAN: SEX. Okay, Aydindril's in a blue state, so the teachers will go over the basics with you. Don't worry. Once you see how important and rewarding it is to mediate petty village squabbles and mindfrell the $#@% out of condemned prisoners even if you kind of know they're innocent, it will make up for the fact that you'll never get anything you ever wanted.

FLYNN: Oh my GOD there is a rogue misdirection running through the forest and it's COMING RIGHT AT US!

RICHARD: What? Where?! (runs off after it with Kahlan)

FLYNN: (to Annabelle) Y'all up for hightailing it outta here?

FLYNN: So I gave myself a fake arrow wound so we could get away and it kind of hurts but not really because you're my super-awesome schnookums and I'd totally fight dragons for you and give you my credit card information.

ANNABELLE: . . .

FLYNN: Wanna make out?

ANNABELLE: Sure!

(the next morning)

ANNABELLE: And this one story I read about Rosalind and Palmar was cute but then I read this other story that was even cuter and sometimes I think you're more like Palmar and other times I think you're more like that other guy and blah blah blah!

SHIRTLESS FLYNN: (listens like he's actually interested) So... this rune on my hand is the key to stopping the Keeper from destroying all life in the known world. Since this may end up affecting you in some way, I wish to express my concerns.

ANNABELLE: Let's go to the beach!

RICHARD: (using super woodsyguy skills) They went thataway!

FLYNN: (sneaks into a campground to steal some food) (gets pwned)

ANNABELLE: Eeeek!

WOODSMAN: Hey, a thief and a chick. (leers and menaces)

ANNABELLE: (Confesses him)

(Then the other woodsmen show up and get into a free-for-all with Flynn and the first woodsman.)

(later)

ZEDD: The only way to kill Banelings is to burn them.

CARA: Well lucky for us you've got those balls of fire.

ZEDD: THE TOPICAL CREAM TAKES TIME TO WORK.

CARA: . . .

ZEDD: I mean I don't think that would be good.

CARA: Come on. It's not like I'd use my abilities as a Mord'Sith to turn your powers against you, fry you instantly and then leave your bones unburied for fifty-six years while a dystopian alternate history plays out, is it?

ZEDD: . . .

CARA: Would've done it already.

ZEDD: Yeah, but Richard was watching then. Besides, now you know where the tomb is!

CARA: Um, Rahl's forces have known about it for quite some time now. I could've just asked.

ZEDD: True. (Fireblasts banelings)

CARA: Nice, but what was the point of doing that without Flynn here?

ZEDD: IT RELIEVED THE ITCHING.

RICHARD: Hey! Annabelle! So glad we found you.

ANNABELLE: (has Confessed all six woodsmen)

FIGHT SCENE: (ensues)

FLYNN: (to Annabelle) Great! Time to start our life together as refugees!

ANNABELLE: Huh?

FLYNN: Uh, you know how Richard and Kahlan found us in like six hours? Well that was when I was at the top of my game. They are going to catch us eventually.

(ItB: The Sword of Truth's most obvious power (if you can call it that) is that it only allows the wielder to kill things that he or she believes to be evil. Richard would have been unable to use the sword against innocent woodsmen.)

ANNABELLE: (sneaks back into the fight and Confesses Richard)

KAHLAN: (Runs to Richard, shaking him so that he'll open his eyes and he does and has the power of his love/destiny/status as the protagonist overcome the power of his Confession?)

RICHARD: Hey, Annabelle. What can I do for you today?

KAHLAN: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

(So I was wrong about the self-sacrifice. But wait, we've got like sixteen minutes left on the clock.)

KAHLAN: You've destroyed the man who was going to save the world. Do you even think about this shit?!

ANNABELLE: Yes, but then I think about butterflies!

KAHLAN: Then you leave me no choice. (lobs a knife at her)

RICHARD: (blocks it)

ANNABELLE: WHAT THE—?!

RICHARD: She's trying to kill you so that I'll be released from your power. But don't worry; I know all her moves.

KAHLAN: But I don't want to fight you, Richard. That would be defeating the point here!

RICHARD: Then put the knife down!

FLYNN: I'll get the horses.

KAHLAN: (Grabs Flynn in a trademark Hostage Neck-Knife Headlock!)

ANNABELLE: NOOOO!!

KAHLAN: Order Flynn and Richard to go with me to Pomora or I slice him like last week's coupon page!

ANNABELLE: If we go with you to Pomora, then will you let Flynn and me ride off into the sunset?

KAHLAN: Sure.

RICHARD: It's a trick. She'll kill you the first chance she gets. Or she'll let our Mord'Sith do it. Did I tell you we had one of those? Oh! And this crazy old guy; he'd totally kill you too.

KAHLAN: Richard, Confession doesn't make people stupid—

FLYNN: Ummm...

KAHLAN: You were like that already. Confession doesn't make people stupid, so you know me and you know that I'm not a liar.

RICHARD: Huh. It's true.

(the next day)

KAHLAN: (explaining to Zedd and Cara)

CARA: Well DUH I'm going to kill her.

KAHLAN: Cara!

CARA: What, did you want to kill her?

KAHLAN: CARA!

CARA: I know, I know. Another rant about how I have to be more compassionate and less disregarding of other living beings.

KAHLAN: Actually I was mad at you for tipping Richard and Flynn off, but they don't seem to have picked up on it, so we're good. Zedd?

ZEDD: (barrier-blasts Richard and Flynn)

KAHLAN: (grabs Annabelle)

RICHARD: NOOOOOO DON'T HURT HER WE BOTH KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL THE NEXT-TO-LAST CONFESSOR AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH AS MUCH AS I EVER LOVED YOOOOOOUUU!

KAHLAN: BUT EVERY LIVING BEING WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T SAVE THE WORLD.

ZEDD: Goddamned Shota prophecy...

CARA: Huh?

ZEDD: What?

ANNABELLE: I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A CONFESSOR; I JUST WANNA BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!

RICHARD: Hey! What about that weirdo Skexie sorceror type who was trying to drain Annabelle's powers at the beginning of the episode? Let's find him and let him finish the job!

KAHLAN: Huh, would that work?

ZEDD: Dunno. Nobody's been batshit enough to try it before.

(ItB: There is absolutely no way to take a Confessor's power away. There were some super-powerful beings that were able to seal it once, but they couldn't remove it from her.)

RICHARD: Kahlan, if you love me, you'll give it a try.

CARA: I say we just kill her.

KAHLAN: No, Confessed or not, Richard still wants to hellllllp peoooppllllle. I say we go for it!

ZEDD: But we've got to get the Stone first.

KAHLAN: Agreed. Then we go to the sorcerer's cave and get his quillion crystal powervac 2000.

CARA: You guys do know I'm just going to kill her the moment your backs are turned, right?

KAHLAN: Um, Richard went to great lengths to save your life when we were supposed to be saving the world, and I think that earns us some shut-the-$#@%-up points!

CARA: Okay, but if it doesn't work?

KAHLAN: Then I'll turn her into a Confessor filet myself.

(that night, at the tomb)

FLYNN: (runeopens the tomb)

ZEDD: (removes yet another funky amulet from the corpse's neck, but does it hold another rune or the Stone itself)

KAHLAN: Richard should open it. That way we're not saddled with another tertiary character who annoys the audience and eats all the goat jerky.

FLYNN: HEY!

ANNABELLE: I think you're the best secondary character, sweetums.

FLYNN: Awww, thank you my soul-decapitating brain mistress!

ZEDD: We should wait until Richard's less unpredictable. So, how we going about this sorcerer deal?

CARA: (glares at Kahlan)

KAHLAN: (glares back)

CARA: You sure about this?

KAHLAN: I want my glorious-abbed honey back, so just do it and make it convincing!

CARA: Well if you're going to keep twisting my arm... (agiels Kahlan)

(at the sorcerer's cave)

CARA: (chucks Kahlan's "unconscious" body down) Yo! Brought a Confessor and I want one thousand shiny ones, right now!

HENCHMAN: But we don't have that many bald guys.

CARA: I mean gold pieces, moron.

SORCERER: Meh. She looks a little gamy.

CARA: Hello? One of not-so-many left alive.

SORCERER: She seems pretty dead. (kicks her in the head)

KAHLAN: (doesn't flinch)

SORCERER: (leans in closer)

KAHLAN: Hi there. (Confesses him)

(Cara gets to kick a little ass before the sorcerer calls off his men and gives Kahlan the sucker crystal with a big bow on it.)

(back at the camp, but without the sorcerer, which is weird because they probably could have used his expertise)

ANNABELLE: Thank you for sparing my life, Kahlan.

KAHLAN: Yeah. If this doesn't work, I'm still going to kill your ass, so why don't you hold onto those thanks for a couple minutes.

ANNABELLE: If Richard is Confessed to me, then your powers can't hurt him, can they?

KAHLAN: Guess not.

ANNABELLE: So you should get busy with Richard now, get yourself knocked up with a Confessor kid, and then suck out my powers.

KAHLAN: ?!

ZEDD: YOU SHOULD DO IT.

KAHLAN: Huh?

ZEDD: Completely apart from my wanting to have great grandkids one day, if there are ever going to be more Confessors, then you've got to get horizontal with somebody sooner or later, and the biological clock isn't gonna to stop ticking just 'cause you're busy mooning over Richard!

KAHLAN: But it's so ...weird.

ANNABELLE: Oh, so you're telling me you want, I don't know, ROMANCE LIKE IN STUPID BOOKS?

KAHLAN: Okay, you got me there.

(On the one hand, this is a fascinating idea. On the other, I don't know why the writers would bring it up if they weren't going to do it, and I don't get the feeling that they're going to do it.)

RICHARD: But I don't love her. I love you.*

ANNABELLE: This would make me very happy. Go to her and love her as you would love me.*

(Holy CRUD they're going to do it!)

RICHARD and KAHLAN: (do it)

(OH. MY. GOD. This is way better writing than I would have expected from a show of this kind. ...unless of course this is a ploy by Annabelle to escape with Flynn before she loses her magic and he falls out of love with her. You know, even then.)

RICHARD and KAHLAN: (still at it)

(Woodland scene, leaves tossing around)

KAHLAN: Richard! What are you thinking about?*

(NO, you fool! You don't ask a guy what he's thinking about even under ordinary circumstances; forget about when you know he's been mindfrelled into loving some other chick! The time to ask him if this is what he would have wanted was BEFORE you got started!)

RICHARD: I'm thinking about pleasing you.*

KAHLAN: Because your mistress ordered you to?*

(Stop talking, Kahlan! If you're freaking out about having sex for the first time, then just stop and don't make any excuses. But if not, then you decided to do this, so stop second-guessing.)

RICHARD: Yes.*

ALL SEXINGS: (stop)

(THIS IS ALL A BIG COPOUT!!)

KAHLAN: ...you really love her?*

RICHARD: Yes, with all my heart. Now let's get back to business so that my beloved brain-mistress won't be mad at me.

KAHLAN: WE'RE STOPPING THAT, YOU DOOF.

RICHARD: Did I do something wrong?*

(I guess Confession does make them stupid.)

KAHLAN: Richard would never want to use magic to force someone to act against their will, so I had to stop.

(BULLCRUD, sister!)

ANNABELLE: But is it really against his will if it's what he would have wanted if he weren't Confessed?

KAHLAN: Yes.

(NO! All you had to do was ask him, you wussbags! "Hey Richard, is this what you would have wanted if you weren't Confessed? It's super important that you tell the truth." There you go.)

ANNABELLE: So ...being Confessed is kind of like being locked in a tower, isn't it?*

(back at camp)

ANNABELLE: (getting her powers sucked out) Once this is over, I can get married someday. But what if Flynn is the only man I'll ever love?!

CARA: Girlyyyyyyyy...

CRYSTAL OF SUCKING: (finishes with a flourishy bzzwapp)

FLYNN: Annabelle, are you all right?

ZEDD: It didn't work. Oh well. It was nice knowing you, Annabelle.

FLYNN: What, I have to be Confessed just to ask if somebody's all right? Oh that's nice.

ZEDD: ...so how can we tell if it worked.

RICHARD: WE HAD A CHANCE TO GET BUSY AND SHE SAID NO?!?! AAAARRRRGH!

KAHLAN: Richard!

RICHARD: Yeah, I'm back.

KAHLAN: So your father's castle is back over that ridge. You have a decent life as a ranking landowner ahead of you.

ANNABELLE: Nah. I've always wanted to wander the world as a penniless traveler. And go to the beach!

KAHLAN: But it wouldn't be safe for you to go alone!

FLYNN: Ummmm, yo?

ANNABELLE: ! ! !

FLYNN: You will all recall that I liked her before she mind#@$%cked me into an obedient zombie.

ANNABELLE: You mean you're really into my bubbly personality and ability to remember a thousand chick 'fics?!

FLYNN: That and I'm a boobs man.

ANNABELLE: I guess I can live with that.

(they leave)

KAHLAN: ...it's only me now. (sniff)

RICHARD: I can understand why you couldn't go through with the whole using me for breeding stock thing, but I KIND OF WISH THAT YOU HAD, GODDAMMIT.

KAHLAN: Yeah, me too.

ZEDD: If you two are done with the sexual frustration—

RICHARD: I #@$%cking wish.

ZEDD: —then I have our next MacGuffin right here!

RICHARD: (opens the amulet to see a pretty little glowy stone inside) It's a shiny glowy ball thing.

CARA: Girlyyyyyyyy...

RICHARD: The inscription reads, "This orb will guide the Seeker's way to the Stone of Tears in exactly enough episodes to finish out a second season!"

ZEDD: Perfect!

(they go)

* Verbatim or near.

Mariachi karaoke? Okay, this is working for me.

2009-12-06T05:45:06Z

Watching the first episode of the second Cupid series. It's cute. It's adorable. It's nice to finally see the "Psyche" scene that my buds were talking about.

"Love isn't smart; love is stupid!" I love it! What I don't love is the way the show is handling the shrink chick's take on love. If her take is totally correct (in real life) then it shouldn't be portrayed as wrong and spiritless the way it is. If they can play Trevor's view of love as desirable and yet acknowledge that it's stupid, then can't they play the blond chick's take on love as nitpicky yet acknowledge it as somehow good? Rational love worked out all right in Pride and Prejudice and it's flown off the shelves for 197 years. I mean, I learned long ago that there were three stages to love. Trevor's rocking stage one and the doc is hypothetically vaunting stage three, which is familiarity and comfort and loyalty and devotion. Trevor's got the part where the brain secretes pleasure-causing chemicals and the doc's got the part where the brain secretes painkillers. They're both good, people!

"If I don't have followers, then why is there a temple of Eros in Chelsea?"

"They sell trashy lingerie."

"Of course. It's one of the sacraments!"

(snerflesnerflesnerfle)

And he has killer aim at darts; nice touch.

But what's the timing on this. Are they ripping off August Rush? And they just didn't make Jimmy repulsive enough for me to feel good about locking him in the privy. What, just because he's kind of ugly and clammy looking and referred to urination as "draining the dragon"? Insufficient. He could still be nice if just a little gross when speaking to other men.

And the reporter is smitten. I suspect August Holly is either married or dead. Okay, they're being a little too obvious about Reporter Chick Who Isn't Still in the Singles Group in Later Episodes. Oh, August Holly is just painfully shallow and boring in a way that's not remotely fun to watch? Oh well. Hey! She's only in it for two minutes! Great!

Okay, this is a peeve of mine: If the song is supposed to be a key emotional moment for the characters, then it should be a good song. Remember that last number in Rentm, the one that Roger has spent the whole show writing? Yeah. Totally fell flat for me. If it sounds like someone snipped it together in ten minutes, then that's no good.

Okay, it's not that simple. Immigrating to Ireland, not just visiting there but immigrating, is nearly impossible.

Now, in the previous Cupid series, we never found out if Trevor Hale was really Cupid or if he was a very interesting kind of crazy; that was a big chunk of the fun of it. So far, I like the idea that this series is playing around with: That Trevor Pierce might just be a very, very socially gifted man with some trauma in his past, with which he's coping in a ridiculously constructive way. The beads only don't yet spoil it for me. We don't actually see them moving on their own.

like caviar

2009-12-05T04:20:27Z

Remember that episode of The Office in which Jan explains the reasoning behind her decision to seek artificial insemination rather than procreate with her doofy but attentive significant other? She tells the camera, "If I were twenty-two and had time to have lots of children, sure, why not let Michael have a shot at one. But I'm not. This one has to count."

Egad! thinks the audience. Using offspring simply just to test out if a guy is responsible or not? Terrible! (Especially in the case of this particular guy; the kid in question would be lucky to make it to age five without blowing himself up with a Speak 'n' Spell.)

Well it seems that fish do that all the time. Seventeen years after the hypothesis was first made public, Andrea Manica has collected data to support the idea that female such fish leave males small "test" batches of eggs to see if they are effective guardians. Though A small fraction of the female fish population does this, usually at the start of the breeding season, before the males' proficiencies are known. Only if the male fish can both protect and refrain from eating the eggs do the female fish return for the mother lode.

because I've got nothing but time

2009-12-04T22:25:24Z

A fellow fan needs eye surgery.

I didn't find out about this one in time to sign up myself, but there are some fine offers out there. It's not like Support Stacie, where the bidder gets to decide what story the writer will create; it's a bit more specific.

the healing power of muffins and costume changes

2009-12-01T01:30:07Z

Legend of the Beaker, season two, episode three: Bunson has been kidnapped by the Mupp-Sith! Meep meemee meep!

Broken: Way out in the desert, we see some kid with a messenger crow and Halloween lenses. Is this Rabbit-Proof Fence, Dune or George Martin?

KAHLAN: (gets zapped into a desert flower dream) (oh no! It's evil raining blood onto white roses, which then wilt)

DREAM KID: Kahlan Amnell, soon you will be the last of your kind.

KAHLAN: Really? Because I thought we established that I already was. Yeah, Shota was all on about how Rahl bomblasted my sister's island and hunted down all the other Confessors—(wakes up) GASP!

RICHARD: Did you have a bad dream? Was it the one where you were naked and covered in peanut butter. You should, like, tell me about it.

KAHLAN: There was this desert and this kid and this bird and I couldn't tell what franchise it was from!

ZEDD: GASP! It is the Starless Blackbird of Caskeh. It was totally a message.

KAHLAN: Then we have to go to Valeria to make sure my sister, her mindfrelled husband and her maybe-evil son are safe!

RICHARD: I will go with you.

CARA: But weren't we supposed to be busy saving the world using a completely different set of made-up place names?

RICHARD: Quit talking crazy, baby!

CARA: Yeesh. Her sister is dead anyway. When Darken Rahl heard that there was a male Confessor on the island, he ordered the Mord'Sith to go and get him. Epic battle. We win, they lose, killed your sister myself, you're the last Confessor alive, and now can we get back to business?!

KAHLAN: . . .

RICHARD . . .

CARA: What, is there a bee on me?

KAHLAN: (starts to go super-Confessie)

RICHARD: (holds Kahlan back) Cara, I suggest a hasty retreat.

CARA: (effects)

SLIM: TRYING TO SLEEP, YOU JERKS.

(later)

KAHLAN: You shouldn't have stopped me. This isn't about revenge, it is about finding and stopping a dangerous Mord'Sith.

RICHARD: It wasn't two hours ago.

ZEDD: We have bigger problems.

~~SLIM~~FLYNN: (has run off)

Wait, his name is "Flynn"? THE FLYNN DOES NOT APPROVE.

ZEDD: But we're good because I put a glowy spell on his shoes.

RICHARD: Come with us for world-saving, pleeeeeeeease?

KAHLAN: Okay, but if we happen to find Cara along the way, I kill her. We good?

(meanwhile)

CARA: (also following thiefboy's shiny footprints) (busts into bar)

BARGOERS: A Mord'Sith!

BARTENDER: I don't want any trouble.

CARA: Dude, I just want to rent a room for the night. (looks around the room) And maybe one of those guys.

BARTENDER: . . .

(interior, Cara's room)

BARGOER: (is very, very happy to oblige)

(Cara's room, the next morning)

LYNCH MOB: (is ready)

CARA: (kicks double-agiel ass)

BARTENDER: NOBODY LOVES YOU.

CARA: Awww.

RICHARD, ZEDD and KAHLAN: (find Flynn's clothes and shoes with a note reading "HA HA, FOOLED YOU!")

CARA: (making eyes at farmhouse)

LITTLE GIRL ELLA: (sees Cara) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

PARENTS: (become effectively super-protective)

DAD: (threatens Cara with arrow) It's close range and I'm not a bad guy, so I'm probably not going to miss.

CARA: Got it. Leaving.

MOTHER: Wait a second...

MOTHER: (is Cara's sister Grace OMG)

CARA: (stalks off)

GRACE: (follows) Hey! I'm sorry about my husband being all weird about you being a Mord'Sith who tortures and murders and kidnaps children.

CARA: Actually, I think I get that part.

GRACE: Want a muffin?

CARA: . . .

(inside the house)

GRACE: (playing dress-up with Cara because her uniform will give the neighbors heart attacks) Hey, remember when Mom dressed us up like pixies? Good times.

CARA: (is morbid) So where is Mom?

GRACE: After the Mord'Sith kidnapped our dad, she lost her mind and went bibbledy. So what happened to Dad anyway.

CARA: ...yeah, haven't been having much luck telling people about relatives lately.

(at dinner table)

CARA: (in her sister's best Sunday pastels)

GRACE: Ella pass Auntie Crazytorturechick the potatoes.

MOB: (busts in) No one expects the D'Haran' Inquisition! (capture Cara)

BROTHER-IN-LAW WHO IS NAMED SIRIN: Sorry honey, I ratted your sis out to the feds so that she wouldn't skin us in our sleep or something.

GRACE: Oh you are not getting sex until hell freezes over!

CARA: Oh, that actually started happening a couple hundred miles to the south of here. I was going to help stop it, but someone wanted to go hellllllp peeeeeooople instead.

ZEDD: (to local constable) Have you seen a skinny naked guy around here?

CONSTABLE: Yes, actually. Probably headed to the high-income area over thataway.

MESSENGER: (rides up) Mother Confessor! The village of Stonecroft has captured a Mord'Sith and we want you to preside over her execution.

KAHLAN: Hot diggety! Catch up with you later, boys.

RICHARD: But why do they need a Confessor for an execution?

(ItB: In the books, the Confessors' entire job is executions. They don't get to settle disputes or preside over trials like in the series. They are there solely to Confess condemned men (we're never shown any female Confess-ees) to make sure that they are guilty. Some countries require that all condemned be Confessed first, but in most of the time Confessors respond to requests by condemned men to be Confessed so that they can prove their innocence. Book!Kahlan gets crazy emo about how she knoooows that these men are innocent, but she haaaas to mindfrell them anyway.)

ZEDD: Because they've condemned her to the worst fate possible.

RICHARD: Aw dammit, not watching the entire list of Movies That Suck More Than Twilight?!

ZEDD: No, death by Confession.

RICHARD: Wait, that's possible?

(ItB: It totally is, but only for super-strong Confessors like Kahlan and her mother. They can order their mindfrelled to die, and they do.)

KAHLAN: Confession works differently on Mord'Sith, making them die horribly as their spleens turn inside out and then drag their lungs out through their nostrils.

(ItB: Wouldn't know because Goodkind never lets them Confess girls.)

RICHARD: Weeeell, if they were B-cups, maybe I'd freak out, but they're C's, so I'm good. Anywho, it sounds like they want to punish Cara for everything that every Mord'Sith has ever done.

KAHLAN: Cool with that!

RICHARD: You can't be unbiased because you already know she killed Dennee.

KAHLAN: Cool with that too.

RICHARD: If I can prove to the people of Stonecroft that Cara shouldn't be executed, will you be cool with that?

KAHLAN: What is it about this chick with you?!

RICHARD: Time travel! World-saving! My naive desire to believe that bad people can chaaaaaaange!

CARA: (in old-fashioned stocks)

KAHLAN: Hey! No throwing rocks at the condemned! Also, the Seeker wants to say a few words.

CROWD: Yay!

KAHLAN: But they're not about how you should slow-roast your prisoner.

CROWD: Ptui!

KAHLAN: I know you all want me to nuke her bepleathered tuchas with my mindfrell powers, but I'm afraid we're going to have a lamesauce trial episode first.

CROWD: Booooo!

KAHLAN: I regret to inform you that Lenny Briscoe will not be showing up because Jerry Orbach died like ten years ago.

CROWD: (weeps)

KAHLAN: After the hearing, your three most unbiased elders will decide, and if you want, then I STILL GET TO MAKE HER DEAD, RIGHT?!

RICHARD: (rolls eyes) Fine.

I like how Series!Kahlan is all mellow and impartial about this. Even though she must be burning up inside, she's setting a good example.

(exterior, some alley, some city)

FLYNN: (is pickpocketing his little heart out)

MARK: GIMME BACK MY WALLET, BOY! (sees rune) Hey, why are you picking pockets when you've got a runemap to a super-shiny expensive MacGuffin on your hand?! Let's go together to Pomora and play some Indiana and Sala!

FLYNN: I don't wanna!

MARK: Oh COOOOOPS?

FLYNN: I wanna.

(interior, Cara's cell)

RICHARD: I'll just tell them the truth.

CARA: That I'm a torturing, murdering servant of their greatest enemy?

RICHARD: No, that you're a different person now.

CARA: Nope. Still me.

RICHARD: Yeah but you helped me save the world from Nicholas Rahl.

CARA: Saving myself and my beloved order. Still a Mord'Sith.

RICHARD: And then you—

CARA: Not that either.

RICHARD: Will you work with me here?!

CARA: You think because you were poked a few times with an agiel that you know what we do to our recruits?

RICHARD: I know, I bet it's even worse than—

CARA: It was the best thing ever. I'd rather die as the Mord'Sith I am than ask these fleabiters for mercy ...unless you feel like acting like a Lord Rahl with balls for once and ordering me to do it.

RICHARD: I AM NOT LORD RAHL.

(the hearing)

RICHARD: Friends, Stonecroftians, medieval people with decent teeth and great hair! Lend me your ears! This chick totally helped me defeat Darken Rahl, and that earns her a chance for me to tell you how her horrible childhood gives her a pass on the evil things she did of her own free will.

Reality: It doesn't.

GRACE: (tells horrible story of the day Cara was Caranapped)

(Flashbacyvision!)

LITTLE CARA: (cries at cute baby fish)

MORD'SITH: (kick Cara's dad's ass, ignore Grace and take Cara away)

(present hearing)

CARA: Our dad was weak and cowardly and he deserved to for me to kill him like I did!

GRACE: Gasp!

RICHARD: (headsmack)

(in chambers)

TOWN HEADMAN: Do we have to keep letting her mock us like this? The folks are reliving some real bad memories here.

RICHARD: She's covering up how she really feeeeeeels!

TOWN HEADMAN: Right. Stop trial?

KAHLAN: People don't have to listen if they don't want to.

HEADMAN: (leaves)

RICHARD: Thanks, Kahlan.

KAHLAN: HE IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG.

(hearing resumes)

RICHARD: Hey, I've got an agiel. Anyone want me to zap them with one?

KAHLAN: (headsmacks)

SIRIN: I'll go!

RICHARD: Okay, this is going to hurt.

SIRIN: Got that.

RICHARD: Here goes.

SIRIN: I'm totally ready.

RICHARD: (zaps him)

SIRIN: HOLY FUCK THAT HURTS, YOU DICK!

(hearing)

CARA: I was totally taught strength and endurance and beatings and rat-munchings. But then they gave me an agiel so that I could kill all the rats, so we were all good.

RICHARD: But WTF about your dad?!

CARA: It was a total honor to kill my dad.

(flashback)

MORD'SITH: (to mini-Cara) Hey, we caught your dad coming here to sell your sister Grace to us. Wanna kill him?

CARA: DAD, YOU BITCH!

MORD'SITH: He sold you to us in the first place.

CARA'S DAD: (may or may not have been tortured into saying this) (...doesn't say anything, actually)

This is interesting. If it is true, then he's probably not the only one who did it. And these border towns would have to deal with overpopulation somehow. The Romans had the custom of leaving infants by the city gates for anyone to claim as slaves. The Victorians abandoned kids in the streets. In medieval Europe, they put women in convents so that they wouldn't reproduce. In some cultures today, there's neglect of female infants. Giving girls to an order like the Mord'Sith would actually not be an ineffective way to do it.

But in-story, if it is true, then a lot of the folks in that crowd are shuffling around and looking anywhere but at their families right now.

RICHARD: She didn't have a choice.

CARA: I totally did.

RICHARD: Agiels take the choice away. I almost killed the person I love most.

KAHLAN: (blinks)

CARA: Yeah, and you didn't, whereas my dad cracked like a friggin Sparklepire.

RICHARD: But didn't your new family beat your ass and give you a haircut of doom and leave you for dead?

CARA: Yeah, but at the same time they also made me strong enough to help you save the world.

RICHARD: And you did that because...

CARA: Because you're the true Lord Rahl.

CROWD: GAAAAAAAAAAASP!

KAHLAN: (HEADSMACK)

RICHARD: But you didn't know that then.

CARA: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

RICHARD: FOR YOU TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

CARA: BUT I'M NOT.

RICHARD: AS LORD RAHL I DEMAND ANOTHER FLASHBACK IN WHICH YOU TELL US EVERYTHING!

WOMAN: Stop! I don't want to hear any more! I was Cara's schoolteacher and she was smart and sweet and we should not execute her. In fact, we should stop the trial right now.

DRF: Heey! I think I know what's going on here. The Mord'Sith could have used a scout to find out which girls were really worth taking. I think the schoolteacher was telling them which girls to take, and now she's worried that Cara will rat out the system.

KAHLAN: I order a pause! Richard, in chambers.

TOWNSDUDE: At four in the afternoon?!

(in chambers)

KAHLAN: Richard, the schoolteacher is setting off my sneakdar!

RICHARD: The one person who agrees with me. Riiiiight.

KAHLAN: I'M SERIOUS! I can't read her, and if I can't read her, that means one thing!

RICHARD: That you need some Hooked on Phonix?

KAHLAN: No! That she's Mord'Sith!

(back at the hearing)

RICHARD: Who is this chick?

CARA: My teacher.

RICHARD: I ordered you to tell the truth.

CARA: MY TEACHER. ABC's to agiels.

CROWD: (goes wild)

SCHOOLTEACHER: (doesn't)

TOWNSDUDE: Twelve girls have gone missing over the years, and they were all her students.

(That makes sense. Sounds like a workable number for a village that size.)

ELDERS: We've heard enough! The schoolteacher will die by Confession!

RICHARD: Whew. I'm glad you guys have a sense of who's responsible for what around h—

ELDERS: And the remorseless Mord'Sith will also die by Confession!

RICHARD: Damn.

KAHLAN: (rolls up sleeves) Let's get to it.

(campsite in the woods)

FLYNN: God help me, all those people are nucking futs. The old man macks on anything with a pulse, shoots fire out of his hands and eats all the puffie pies. The Confessor's eyes change color when she gets mad, and don't get me started on that Seeker pansy.

MARK: (is probably just getting him drunk so he can cut his hand off) Do you ever shut up?!

Okay, so I guess he might be a real Flynn.

FLYNN: Well I got the rune, so you can TALK TO THE HAND. (goes limp)

MARK: Finally.

FLYNN: Meh?

MARK: (is about to cut his hand off)

FLYNN: (yells for help)

MARK: (stuffs a sock in his mouth)

FLYNN: MMMTTH THHTTH TASTHTS LIMK CCMMUUUDD!!

MARK: (runs off into the woods) (takes out the magic amulet from the Mirror episode and turns back into...)

...ZEDD!: I'll eat all his puffie pies!! (blasts stuff) (runs in)

FLYNN: HELLLP!

ZEDD: You are so lucky I found you, boy. Guess we'll have to wait here until it wears off. And you should really know better because Richard and I are the only people who can keep you safe.

(exterior, village Gazebo of executions)

SCHOOLTEACHER: See you in hell, beyotch!

KAHLAN: (Confesses her)

SCHOOLTEACHER: Oh what have I done? No, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Before I die of agony, let me tell the truth. We really did force Cara to believe a lie! I had to agiel her dad for weeks before he'd say what I wanted. He actually held up pretty damned well. We had to burn out his throat so that he couldn't speak at all.

CARA: (OMGs)

SCHOOLTEACHER: (dies)

CARA: Confess me.

KAHLAN: (can't do it)

(I like how Kahlan's facial expressions stay subtle here. There's so little there, but it's enough.)

KAHLAN: As Mother Confessor, it is within my authority to override the judges' decision.

(ItB: It isn't.)

CROWD: (goes mobbish)

RICHARD: (starts busting heads)

TOWNSDUDE: (with crossbow) CONFESS HER OR I SHOOT YOU.

MOTHER CONFESSOR: NO.

RICHARD: (knocks out Cara's chains)

CARA: (kicks away dude's crossbow)

RICHARD and CARA: (engage in synchronized ass-kicking)

RICHARD: ANYONE ELSE WANNA DOUBT THE MOTHER CONFESSOR?!

(exterior, the mossy woods)

(I've seen stuff this wild and pretty around New York and New Jersey; it's not that hard to find, but I still have to wonder if this is greenscreen.)

RICHARD: So Cara thought it would be better if she didn't come with us the rest of the way so that you wouldn't have to share campfire space with the chick who killed your sister.

KAHLAN: Aw, that's nice. But she saved my life and crud.

RICHARD: Thank you for sparing hers. I totally appreciate it.

KAHLAN: I saw that crossbow aimed at my head, and I couldn't help but remember that if I die then there are no more Confessors ever. That would suck!

RICHARD: I won't let anything happen to you.

KAHLAN: ...but you still want me to come with you on the most dangerous job possible?

RICHARD: ...yes?

ZEDD: (bitches up with FLYNN)

FLYNN: I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU. (hugs Richard)

RICHARD: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!

(interior, Grace's house)

CARA: (is packing up her uniform, which is weird because she's already wearing it)

GRACE: Muffins for the road!

CARA: Thanks.

RICHARD, ZEDD, KAHLAN and FLYNN: (are waiting for CARA outside)

KAHLAN: I can't forgive you buuuuuut I do need someone to take care of Richard's lame ass if I die.

CARA: Can do.

YAY!

2009-11-30T21:51:45Z

You know how I've been saying that to do a good Twilight/Underworld/anything really parody, the writer has to do more than say "Twilight/Underworld/anything really is stupid"? How it actually has to be, you know, insightful or, oh, funny or something?

WELL THIS CHICK IS THE GOD-EMPEROR OF THAT!!

human being in the western hemisphere with the lead pipe

2009-11-30T16:08:48Z

Exhibit A: Fossils indicated many, many species of large mammals living in North and South America before the arrival of human beings.

Exhibit B: Lack of fossils indicating the absence of such many, many species of large mammals after the arrival of human beings, strongly suggesting that we came, we saw and then we kicked some giant sloth ass.

Exhibit C: Lots of alternate hypotheses from scholars including asteroid strikes, climate change.

Exhibit D: New research out of the University of Wisconsin shows another take.

This article has some interesting moments. Specifically, the way the team gathered the data involved measuring levels of spores that would have been deposited as part of animal dung and looking at things like the growth of oak forests, which were made possible by the disappearance of large grazers. That is an interesting thought. The truly "wild and untouched" North America may have looked entirely different from the one first encountered by European settlers. In other words, the extinction caused the climate change, not vice versa. The dating of the fossils show that the animals were extinct before the asteroid in question hit and also before the arrival of the Clovis culture. However, butchered mammoth remains in Wisconsin remain a wrench in the gears.

got to believe it's getting better...

2009-11-29T23:01:20Z

A team headed by Oregon Health and Science University's Eric Gouaux has just finished mapping the complete molecular structure of a closed glutamate receptor common in the human brain. It's thought that this receptor might be "crucial" to learning and memory. There were a few surprises. For one, the pairs of subunits differ from each other "completely."

Possible applications? Treatments for Alzheimer's, treatments for epilepsy and zapping children's brains so that they can spend less time in our dinosaur industrial-revolution-model educational system and more time at the sort of hands-on learning that took place through most of human existence without sacrificing the raw science, history and math that they need to survive in a post-industrial world. (That last one may take a while.)

In other news, I've been scouting around for word on the Yangtze soft-shell turtles. It seems that the Suzhou Zoo did attempt to breed them again, but nothing hit the mainstream news.

Super-spiffy plot twist bonanza

2009-11-27T04:11:16Z

Legend of the Speaker, season two, episode two, the bill to prevent coed competitive flencing has passed in the house, but—(flencing is removing the blubber from whales; let's go.)

ItB: A "baneling" is a person who serves the Keeper. In colloquial terms, someone whose sold his or her soul to the devil. I don't remember that they had much in the way of special powers, though. They worked as corrupters. There was not anything specific about having to die first or having to kill others or be sucked back into the afterlife.

ZEDD: Thanks for letting me borrow your big fancy knife, but I still had creepy Mord'Sith dreams all night.

KAHLAN: Well it takes some getting used to to have a leatherslinking harlotacular skeezebag around.

ZEDD: Actually I'm cool with that part. It's more the fact that she was a professional torturer for our worst enemy that's been bugging me.

KAHLAN: Whatever.

CARA: (makes slutty eyes at Richard)

KAHLAN: QUIT MACKING ON MY MAN, BITCH!

CARA: One, calling a guy "your man" is trashy and "macking" went out of style like five years ago. Two, how is he your man? I thought you couldn't get busy without you rebooting his brain.

KAHLAN: I KILL YOU!

RICHARD: (checks out scar on his chest) (Apparently, the fabled Sword of Truth doubles as a shaving mirror.)

KAHLAN: The spirit of your dead tyrant half-brother comes back from the grave, says he's working for the Keeper of the underworld and burns his handprint into your chest... You know, sometimes I worry that this might have been a prophetic sign of some kind.

RICHARD: Quit talking crazy, baby! I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

KAHLAN: Cara's a slut.

RICHARD: Huh?

KAHLAN: What?

(At a creepy ruined mountaintop monastery.)

ZEDD: Well, the place is empty, folks. Looks like D'Harans' work, but there are no bodies.

CARA: Then we came here for nothing, wasting precious time, getting frostbite and forcing me to buy cheapo CVS-brand makeup because we couldn't get to a Sephora... (bitches etc.)

RICHARD: Great, but where do D'Harans take prisioner monks?

CARA: Oh to the death camp down the lane.

(Interior, log-fenced fort. People are being hanged and dragged around and generally treated like crud.)

(Question: We have seen that D'Harans have no problem swording and hanging and stupidly shooting people on the spot. Why would they bother to take them somewhere else first?)

D'HARAN SOLIDER: Hey General, is there some reason why we're still executing prisoners even though the war is over? Maybe we should be trying to, I don't know, go home or something.

GENERAL: SILENCE, YOU!

D'HARANS: (Executing even the people who'd helped them.)

RICHARD and POSSE: (stupidly storm in on foot, minimally armed)

D'HARANS: Oh no! Four people against just the fifty-seven of us!! (lose like nobody's business)

(You know, I don't mind when they win after contacting a resistance group to help them. Although, I must admit that Zedd and Richard have some badass moves. Still, the story was pretty clear that he had no formal combat training growing up. Unlike Need from Mercedes Lackey, the Sword of Truth doesn't confer combat skills on its bearer; it can just sword things pretty well and magically prevents him from killing anyone whom he believes to be innocent (even if he believes mistakenly). He might be good, but he wouldn't be this good.)

EX-PRISONERS: Thank you for saving us but WHERE ARE OUR KIIIIIIDS?!

KIDS: (are right over there)

RICHARD: What did you guys do with the Abbot of Olrich?

D'HARAN SOLDIER: The general executed him yesterday.

RICHARD: That was a trick! You were supposed to say "What's an Olrich?" (beats him)

D'HARAN SOLIDER: We were afraid of the general; he's a butcher; I was only following orders. I didn't know it was loaded!

RICHARD: Well considering that the Midlands are going to be ruled by the Mother Confessor, I'll let her decide whether or not you're telling the truth.

D'HARAN SOLIDER: Um, okay.

CARA: Well, since the abbot's dead, we should get going.

RICHARD: No. We should stay and help these people.

CARA: But I thought we were trying to save the world—

RICHARD: HEEEEELLLLPPP PEEEEEEOPLEEEEE!!

CARA: . . ?

ZEDD: (walks by) Give it up.

RICHARD: Okay, people who are exhausted by starvation and mistreatment, let's dig some graves for your jailers!

EX-PRISONERS: (are okay with this)

GENERAL: (gets sucked naked into the underworld)

(In the underworld, everyone spends all their time doing naked interpretive dance. This would be cooler if dead people were hot, but the general is a bit thick about the waist. The effect is pretty spooky, though.)

DEAD DARKEN RAHL: (walks up)

GENERAL: Lord Rahl. And you're not naked!

RAHL: I'm here to recruit you, buddy. The Keeper wants to make you an offer you can't refuse. Well, I guess technically you can, but I'm pretty sure you won't.

GENERAL: Is it for pants? I sure wouldn't refuse some pants right about now.

RAHL: . . . Sure. Whatever.

KAHLAN: Okay, everyone who's strong enough to leave, right side. Everyone too sick to stand, to the left of me! Now let's see about grubbing up some rations.

CARA: (grumblegrumbletakingcareofstupidpeoplegrumble)

PRISONER WOMAN: Anybody want to carpool to Deerfork?

KAHLAN: Um, about that—

CARA: Deerfork? Big resistance town? That got wiped out weeks ago. Dragon Corps lit a big ol' bonfire at Deerfork.

PRISONER WOMAN: B-b-but!! My dad wasn't a resistor. He was just a locksmith.

CARA: As if the Dragon Corps care about plot-relevant professions!

KAHLAN: Well I'm sure you'll find word of where the survivors—

CARA: Heh, good one. Survivors! Not too freakin' likely!

PRISONER WOMAN: (weeps)

KAHLAN: (aside to Cara) WILL you stop that?!

CARA: I calls 'em like I sees 'em!

KAHLAN: SHOW SOME COMPASSION, DAMMIT!

You know, now that I think about it, Richard's heeellllp peeeeeoooopllllee MO isn't so inefficient. He primarily does it while he's on the way to do something along the lines of his master plan. This way, he wins the hearts and minds with minimal deviation. If he focused only on the master plan, he'd have to try to do that on some other dedicated mission.

EX-PRISONER: Hey, we have next to no food, do we really have to feed the guards?

KAHLAN: YES.

EX-PRISONER: Can I borrow a horse so that I can take my brother's body to bury in our home village; I promise I'll bring it back super-fast, so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

CARA: Well if it will make the MC bitch at me less, go crazy.

Huh. Are they trying to turn Cara in to Seven of Nine? Because that was one Borgish deadpan right there. (ItB: Cara didn't get much page time in the two that I read, but in later books she became Richard's the snarky, funny know-it-all sidekick. She only loved Richard as a friend and leader and had great respect for Kahlan.)

EX-PRISONER MONK BERTRAND: Hey, Seeker. Heard you were looking for Abbot Henry.

RICHARD: Only because there's a tear in the veil to the underworld and monsters are leaking onto the earth plane and he's the only one who knew where the Stone of McGuffin might be.

MONK BERTRAND: You mean the one he wore around his neck that the guards stole when they brought us here?

RICHARD: ! ! !

RICHARD: Wohoo! We found the stone!

ZEDD: Score!

EX-GUARD: (opens treasure box)

GUY'S DEAD BROTHER: (is inside)

RICHARD: ?

~~EX-PRISONER~~ THIEF: (opens dead not-brother's coffin)

TREASURE: (has been snitched!)

THIEF: (picks up the locket first of all, naturally, and tries to pry it open with a knife)

MAGICAL GOO: (slithers out of the locket and makes a mark on the thief's right hand, which did NOT WORK OUT SO WELL FOR JACK SPARROW)

THIEF: (hides treasure)

CARA: (siiiiiigh) This is what I get for doing what she told me and showing some compassion, so it's really her fault.

KAHLAN: YOU BITCH.

RICHARD: (looks henpecked)

MONK: (offstage) (screams like a girl)

RICHARD: (runs in)

EX-PRISONERS: (are dead)

MONK: IT WAS THE BUTCHER WHO IS BACK FROM THE DEEEEEEEAD!

RICHARD: Everybody back in the fort! I'm sure that'll help.

EX-PRISONER: IF IT REALLY IS THE BUTCHER THEN IT SO WON'T HELP.

RICHARD: Zedd, where have you been all episode? Never mind. Could the butcher really be back from the dead?

ZEDD: Eh? Couldn't be. Spirits don't have bodies and can't kill people with knives.

RICHARD: Cool. Cara, find the man who stole the locket.

CARA: Hunting someone down instead of babysitting a bunch of rubes? That works for me.

RICHARD: But no torturing or killing him.

CARA: Awwwwwwwww.

RICHARD and ZEDD: (visit butcher's grave, which has been clawed open from the inside!)

FOOTPRINTS: (lead away from all the D'Haran graves)

ZEDD: You know, the Mord'Sith can bring the dead back to life. And we brought one here.

(ItB: No they can't.)

RICHARD: Nah. Couldn't be. We should be worrying about how to kill the shambling, gross, ravening living dead!

ABBOT HENRY: (is also back from dead) Hi!

RICHARD: AAAAAA!

ZEDD: AAAAAA!

ABBOT HENRY: . . ?

(inside)

ABBOT HENRY: So I woke up in the underworld, and there was all this creepy interpretive dance. Then this greasy emo dude told me that I could return to the land of the living in exchange for agreeing to kill for the Keeper.

ZEDD: A baneling! Banelings are dead people who return to the land of the living in exchange for agreeing to kill for the Keeper.

RICHARD: Gasp!

ABBOT HENRY: ...but isn't that what I just—never mind.

ZEDD: It may be that the death-reeking creepiness of this place is what allows people to become banelings.

ABBOT HENRY: I only came back so that I could tell you how to use my locket to find the stone. But if I don't kill someone soon, I'll just get sucked back to the underworld.

KAHLAN: Tell us quick!

ABBOT HENRY: (changing color and going crunchy) IT WOULD TAKE YEARS TO DO THAT.

RICHARD: Okay. We'll just let Henry here ice one of the D'Haran death guards whom we'd probably end up executing anyway.

ABBOT HENRY: But I don't wanna! (turns blue and crunchy)

MORAL AMBIGUITY: (is agonizing)

EVIL GUARDS: (are already dead)

ABBOT HENRY: Oh no! I guess I'll have to just tell you quick.

KAHLAN: But you said you—whatever.

ABBOT HENRY: The stone puts a gooey rune on the hand of its opener. Take the rune to the province of Pomora. Then, be very, very careful because you need to—(dies)(again)

THIEF: (is hanging out with sleazy women)

CARA: (barges in) (gives him an erection-killing glare but it only works on the girls)

THIEF: I didn't break on the rack or the wheel or the drowning pool; I am so not afraid of you. I am not susceptible to your evil ways!

CARA: I believe you. Wanna f&msahh;bleep&msahs;ck?

THIEF: Beg pardon?

CARA: Mord'Sith training gives me mondo powers of seductive witchery. We screw, you tell. Dealsauce?

THIEF: Treasure's in a cave over thattaway and WE CAN USE ANY SAUCE YOU WANT.

CARA: (shuts off the sluttovision) We go there now. (drags him)

ZEDD: Why would the butcher kill his own men in a locked cell when there are innocent civilians not locked up right over there?

RICHARD: Dunno.

KAHLAN: One of the prisoners might have come for revenge ...gyaaaah it was probably that guy I gave the keys to!! (runs off to find him)

ZEDD: These D'Harans could come back as banelings too.

RICHARD: So we drag the bodies somewhere better ventilated and have ourselves a bonfire!

(outside)

ZEDD and RICHARD: (burning bodies)

CARA: Yo! I brought your locket and the theif dude and I didn't even rough him up first.

RICHARD: Awesomesauce.

THIEF: (grumbleswassupposedtogetMEsomeawesomesauce...)

RICHARD: Hey, he's got the runemark on his hand! I guess we have to take him with us to Pomora.

THIEF: But I don't wanna!

RICHARD: You want to get yourself mindfrelled? 'Cause we can do that.

ZEDD: Uh, not without messing up the rune's magic.

RICHARD: Thank you for saying that right in front of him, genius.

THIEF: I am so not going without a substantial bribe.

CARA: Or I could cut it off.

THIEF: Ack!

RICHARD: Ack!

ZEDD: Ack!

CARA: I mean his hand, dumbasses.

THIEF: Ack, that's bad too!

CARA: (locks up the thief)

THIEF: So when are we going to—

CARA: (slams door)

THIEF: You didn't let me finish! I was going to say, "So when are we going to have sex?"

KAHLAN: I gave you the keys. Now they're dead. Explain.

EX-PRISONER: Wasn't me. Kind of wish it was...

KAHLAN: My super-Confessie training leads me to believe you.

THIEF: (hears spooky footsteps and why did they leave him all by himself again) Aaaah!

DOOR: (gets unlocked)

EX-PRISONER WOMAN: (is the killer)

THIEF: (is stabbed)

CARA and RICHARD: (barge in but too late to see anything but a dead thief)

THIEF: (is as dead as Alice from last season)

THIEF: (wakes up naked in underworld)

RAHL: There's nothing to fear here.

THIEF: Really? Because the unspeakable torment had me going.

CARA: (brings thief back to life with Sith-to-mouth)

THIEF: (freaks out)

CARA: You're welcome.

KAHLAN: It took me a while to figure out how you got into the cells, but then I remembered that you said your dad was a locksmith.

DRF: (can't believe she didn't catch that sooner; moment of awesome in five, four, three...)

KAHLAN: You must have died before we got here.

EX-PRISONER WOMAN: I only accepted the Keeper's offer so that my son wouldn't be another war orphan.

KAHLAN: What were you going to do when you ran out of D'Harans?

EX-PRISONER WOMAN: . . .

KAHLAN: (leaves her alone in a cell)

RICHARD: We need to find the butcher and his men. They need to kill, so where would they go for the easiest prey?

(Yet another random peasant village.)

D'HARANS: (kill random people)

RAHL: (spiritjumps out of the fire) Hey guys, change of orders. Boss wants you to find that scrawny thief with the funny rune on his hand. He's back at the death camp.

D'HARANS: But... the Seeker is there too and he kicked our ass with just two chicks, a geezer and some dental floss!

Moment of cool: After Rahl explains how they're all going back to the underworld if the rift closes, the butcher says, "I will not fail you" in such an adamant tone and the expression on Rahl's face is all, "Duh. I know."

RICHARD: (gasp!) We're besieged by the same guys whose asses we kicked yesterday when there were twice as many of them and we didn't have anyone to help! Okay. We'll let Kahlan and the others out the back way—

ZEDD: This is a prison. There IS NO BACK WAY.*

RICHARD: So blast one open with your super wizardpowers, DUH.

ZEDD: (does so)

D'HARANS: (jump in)

RICHARD: (has fire arrows and explodie oil!)

D'HARANS: (become extra-crispy to the discordant wailing of electric guitars)

DEATH CAMP: (blows up like it has Wolverine envy)

(outside, the next day)

ZEDD: (passes out the thief's treasure to the ex-prisoners)

THIEF WHOSE NAME IS SLIM: (bigsmiles on over to Cara) Mornin' sunshine! The way to Pomora sounds like a long, lonely road if you know what I mean and I think you do.

CARA: (agiels him in the nads)*

KAHLAN: Is it just me or does Cara seem less slutty this morning now that she has someone besides Richard to use her Mord'Sith wiles on?

KAHLAN: (with ex-prisoner-killer-locksmith-woman's son) William, this is Monk Bertrand, who will take you to Timber Falls where there is a family that can't wait to meet you.

WILLIAM: I thought adoptions didn't really happen in medieval cultures. Doesn't this mean that I'm going to become a barely-fed farm slave without even the security of an apprenticeship, just as my mother feared?

MONK BERTRAND: Just suspend the damned disbelief, boy.

RICHARD: (watching the smoke rise from the burning death camp) (looks at handprint scar) Every person I kill makes our enemies stronger, but I still have to kill my enemies, but then my enemies become my undead enemies, so...

ZEDD: Stop before your brain overheats.

RICHARD: You're right. If I have to kill to save an innocent life, then I will, as long as I still have a few people left to create life with!

CARA: But I thought you guys couldn't do the nasty sans reboot.

KAHLAN: I KILL YOU!

(a lonely forest path)

MONK BERTRAND: The other kids at Timber Falls will be so happy to have a half-starved and traumatized refugee child to play with. Boy are you lucky that swirlies haven't been invented yet.

WILLIAM: (stops walking, staring into space)

MONK BERTRAND: . . ?

WILLIAM: (is a baneling) (slashes monk's throat)

MONK BERTRAND: But ...where did you get the knife? It's like half the length of your arm and no way do your raggedy prison clothes have pockeeeeeeeettsss.... (dies)

* I am not making this up.

Holy freaking crow, Batman!

2009-11-23T16:01:40Z

Dunno if I like this one. Most Twilight parodies are "Hey look! Twilight is stupid!" That, by itself, isn't funny. This one has plenty of chortleworthy moments.

SO STUPID. SO STUPID. But there's ice cream.

2009-11-21T17:57:52Z

"So you never had a nickname?"

"No."

YES YOU DID AND THEY CALLED YOU "TEMPIE."

Good God. This show has gotten dumb.

Let's assume that Booth actually would bring his maybe-senile grandfather along with him on a case. Let's all just assume that. He would stop doing it as soon as he realized how distracted it made him.

Booth's grandfather isn't completely gone, but if he can't remember which pills to take then he needs some kind of assistance, which a busy professional like Booth cannot give him alone.

AND BONES KNOWS WHAT THE EXPRESSION "SHE'S GOT BALLS" MEANS.

What is it that the grandfather wants Seely to know? That he told Seely's dad to leave? I know it's a serious topic, but they're hamming it way too much. The audience already knows Booth's backstory.

They are trying so hard to make grandfather telling grandson "Why have you not hit that?" into something funny, but it just isn't. Maybe it would have been funny if they hadn't had everyone telling Booth and Brennan to get together in every damned episode this season. It's like in that wedding episode: They walk into a bridal shop to question someone and are mistaken for a couple and it makes sense because they just walked into a bridal shop. But then later in the episode someone else mistakes them for a couple for no logical reason. First one—fine. Second one—not fine. This season there's been so much not-fine that the grandfather's nudging, which would have been fine, comes off as pathetic.

And why the hell do they just assume that the homeowner must have killed the victims? Sure, he might have been creeped out that they were having sex in the bed that he handcarved for his dead wife, but that alone doesn't prove that he did it. The sculptures were right there for whoever killed them to grab.

Realism: Old men who fought in WWII do often hate chopsticks.

...eating ice cream with pretty boys? I WANT TO GO TO THIS CLUB! And are these women really obese? Sure, they're fat, but I'd have figured them for just overweight. Still, it's nice to see beautiful big women on TV. This is one way in which I'm glad the nineties are over.

Also good if you like that sort of thing and I do

2009-11-20T20:22:23Z

Vatel is awesome. I reread Sex with Kings not long ago and it's cool to know the deal with Athenais de Montespan and Louise de la Valierre. (Spellings are subject to change when I feel like looking them up.) It's so gorgeously detailed...

Good if you like that sort of thing ...and I do.

2009-11-20T08:10:18Z

The New Moon movie was mostly true to the book and mostly quite enjoyable to watch. There were lots of moments of hilarious awkward and of course the movie takes only a bit of the edge off the book's unbalanced story structure. There were two big things that struck me (other than Taylor Lautner's fabulous physique. Good God...)

1. In the book, the scene in which Edward discovers that Bella is still alive was quite irritating. He just starts quoting some damned Shakespeare. The only upside is that, by believing that he and Bella are both dead, he convinces Bella and himself that he really does believe that he has a soul. In the film, Edward understands what is happening right away, but only loses his cool a little. He confesses to Bella right away that he loves her and only left to keep her safe and is trying to kill himself not out of guilt but because he can't live in a world without Bella in it (making him seem more like a codependent douchebag than ever). In the books, this revelation only comes later, after they're back in Forks. I felt that Bella's knowing that Edward loved her took some of the tension out of the Volturi scenes. It would have been better to show Edward melting down, but to let Bella think it was out of guilt a little longer. (I also wonder why they bothered to have Edward recite all that Shakespeare in the beginning. It turned out to not foreshadow much of anything.)

2. The marriage proposal was way better. In the book, it's almost like an afterthought. Here, it's given proper buildup and no letdown afterward. Edward states that it's his one condition. She responds. He says, "And then forever." Another pause. Then the "Marry me." Then CREDITS.

Things that impressed me? FIGHT SCENES. They actually let us see Felix toss Edward around like a rag doll. And they might have robbed us of the sight of spooky elder vampires petrifying in their old age, but they did let us see Edward's head literally crack like an eggshell as he gets slammed into the floor tiles.

I also like that they expanded Alice's role and showed Bella actually missing someone in addition to Edward. I really wish that both the books and movies had gotten more into the Bella-Alice friendship. Also, the idea that a person's spouse is the only relationship they need is a relatively new one. If even a romantically obsessed book series like Twilight can focus on the fact that Bella is getting the entire Cullen clan and not just Edward, then maybe we're moving toward a healthier idea of what love is.

Also, Michael Sheen is the champion of creepy. As my buddy not_tragedi put it, he was "To Catch a Predator creepy." Sorry, Bill Nighy; he played Aro before you played Greyback!

Legend of the Season Two!

2009-11-16T20:26:08Z

Legend of the Sneaker, the true footwear will triumph—you know what, I can't do it. It's just coming off as stupid. I don't know if I can laugh at this today.

But we have an opening scene of Rahl's statue being torn down. It's funny. Eight years ago, no one would have thought that a tyrant's statue being pulled away would be ominous. Remember that ep of the Twilight Zone? Yeah, nothing but good there.

...and why would there already be a statue of Rahl in Queen Milena's courtyard? Even with the takeover, statues take time! What, did Rahl have a whole bunch of them mass-produced so that they could be erected in a hurry?

Well, the big flaw with the first season was that Rahl didn't seem evil enough. Maybe they'll fix it this time.

ItB: The Keeper is like the devil, except less well-developed. The idea of the underworld was that it was like a pond. The good souls got to stay near the top, but the wicked souls would sink deeper and deeper until the very worst were stuck with the Keeper in the muck at the bottom.

I preferred the vague idea of the underworld that we saw in the first season. Kieran and Vivian were supposed to have had a chance at peace there.

Scene: A Rahl-Is-Dead party. It must be some time after the death of Rahl because Richard needs a haircut like anything.

ZEDD: Rahl's only been dead a week.

RICHARD: (has been eating hair-growth hormone pills?!)

ANNOYING CHILDREN'S CHOIR: (sings stupid song)

ANNOYING CHILD #1: God, why do they make us do this?

ANNOYING CHILD #2: Yeah, I bet kids in the real world never have to sing humiliating, poorly written songs about history or kidneys.

ANNOYING CHILD #1: Ooh! Or a rap song written about the Constitution by a white suburban second-grade teacher and one of her student's moms!

ANNOYING CHILD #2: Yeah, that would be way worse!

No, I'm not letting it go.

RICHARD: (to Zedd) Do we have to stay? I wanna get back on the road and—

ZEDD: Heeelllllppp peeeeeeeopllle, yeah I know. Just shut up and sit through the stupid song. We can leave in the morning.

RICHARD: (grumbles)

ZEDD: AND YES YOU HAVE TO WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE!

RICHARD: Mmft.

ZEDD: (chugs mutton)

RACHEL: Zedd, my bud! I've still got the doll you gave me in season I. Heeeey, Richard and Kahlan! Are you guys going to get married? Because not only is that usually what happens to the hero and heroine after they defeat the bad guy but even a pre-tween like me can get the sexvibe between you two. And let me tell you, it's creeping me out.

RICHARD and KAHLAN: (awkward)

RACHEL: Yeah, you guys got to go dispel some tension if you know what I mean. I mean I'm a kid, I can just go club one of my new not-brothers on the head with a rolling pin when I get worked up.

MARTHA WHO IS RACHEL'S NEW MOM: HEY!

RACHEL: Now I'm not too clear on the details but I don't see how that would work out too well for you guys.

KAHLAN: Yeah... Well... my powers as a Confessor mean that I'd accidentally end up mindfrelling Richard into an obedient zombie if he and I ever did the sex.

RACHEL: Damn! And while I can't personally appreciate Richard's abbs, I can tell that must be something.

ZEDD: Look little girl, a shiny new change of subject.

RACHEL: Yay!

And then the PARTY IS CRASHED BY EVIL ANIMATED SKELETON MONSTERS.

ItB: The skreelings or whatever can see people whether they move or not, but they get confused when people walk around calmly rather than running or standing still in terror. The only way to kill them is to hack them to bits. But no, they don't sparkle.

Interior: Mord-Sith temple. The girls are having one of thier hot tub hair-braiding parties.

~~CORDELIA CHASE~~ TRIANA: Caraaaaaa. Come on; we need to put D'Hara back together! We need to find the new Lord Rahl because you know Darkenpants didn't leave the ladies lonely.

CARA: I know that?

TRIANA: If Darken Rahl had been the last of his bloodline, then our agiels would have lost their power.

ItB: Can't say this for sure, but while the Mord'Sith are sworn to the House of Rahl, that has nothing to do with the agiels' power.

CARA: Well if there is another mini-Rahl out there, then he can step up. Till then, I say we rule the territories as Mord'Sith. YEAH, SISTAHS IS DOIN' IT FOR THEMSEEEELVES! So that's why I was calling a meeting of all the Mord'Sith temples to get together for a planning session. Didn't you get the memo?

TRIANA: You know I don't read them, you pasty bitch!

CARA: (gives Triona a hot tub beating)

(outside, the next day)

RICHARD: I've tracked where the screechy-monster came from! It was over here somewhere, maybe in that tree or that hill or that gaping, oozing, miasma-seeping crevice to Hell that's opened up over there.

ZEDD: Well, crap. They told me at wizard school that allowing someone to stab the boxes of Orden with the Sword of Truth might do something like this.

RICHARD: THEY DID?! YOU DICK!

ZEDD: Shut up boy! Do you want a second season or not? We need the Stone of Tears!

ItB: The Stone of Tears... Yeah, I remember it, but I don't remember what it's for.

ZEDD: By the time we find the Stone of Tears, the world will be completely boned.

VILLAGE GUY: HELP! D'HARAN SOLDIERS AND THEY WANT TO TALK TO YOU, SEEKER!

SOLDIERS: Darken Rahl is dead. Hail to the new Master Rahl!

RICHARD: Wtf?

ItB: The second Darken Rahl dies, the entire population of D'Hara immediately knows that there is a new Master Rahl and that Richard is it. Also, the Richard of the books is Darken's son, not Panis's.

D'HARAN COMMANDER: Anywho, so I served Darken Rahl's father Panis Rahl. He might have been a tyrant but within his rule there was peace and order—

ItB: There wasn't. Panis is played as an unmitigated evildoer. However, I like this deviation. In real life, both the Mongols and the Romans conquered brutally but ended up ushering in long periods of peace that we call the Pax Romana and Pax Mongolia, both of which fostered trade, culture, art and other good stuff.

D'HARAN COMMANDER: —so when he saw what a sadistic douche Darken was growing up to be he made sure to illusion-disguise himself as a shepherd so that he could do your mom so that he'd have a powerful Wizardy son to kick Darken's ass! Also, convoluted plot to fake Panis's death.

KAHLAN: My well-practiced Confessie expertise tells me that he's telling the truth.

CARA: (treats Triana like a slave, complete with gratuitous dominating girl-girl kissing)

TRIANA: Grrrr!

GHOST of DARKEN RAHL: (comes up from the hot tub) Hey there. Anywho, Cara helped the Seeker kill me and I'm basically an agent of the devil now and I want you to help me destroy all living things on the planet.

TRIANA: Cool.

ZEDD: I can't believe I didn't notice a stupid grade-two illusion spell and let that $#@% date my daughter! I mean, he always gave me a bad vibe, but I thought that was just because of the smell of sheep farts that hung around him.

D'HARAN COMMANDER: Well, interestingly enough, Panis Rahl did have a predilection for—

ZEDD: (fireballs)

D'HARAN COMMANDER: (shuts up)

RICHARD: Whatever. So I'm Master Rahl. Stone of Tears. More important. All this means is that when the monsters and bad guys tell me "You and what army?" I can point at our friends here and yell "THAT ONE."

D'HARAN COMMANDER: I knew you had it in you, my lord! Also, my men and I are the only ones who know you're the legit heir. You might wanna have the entire third battalion executed.

RICHARD: Yeah, not gonna do that.

D'HARAN COMMANDER: . . .

RICHARD: We'll figure it out later, now it's time to heeeeeeeelllp peeeeeeeeeooople!

D'HARAN COMMANDER: Is he always like this?

KAHLAN: Get used to it.

(On the way to the Mord'Sith annual picnic.)

MORD'SITH: (turn on Cara even though we haven't seen Triana do anything to convince them that she is right and Cara is wrong)

TRIANA: (takes Cara's agiel and slices off her braid) Let us leave her for the monsters and townspeople!

MORD'SITH: Great, but shouldn't we break her legs or something? I don't know if you noticed, but she nearly kicked our ass even when she was unarmed.

TRIANA: No, she is helpless without her weave!

MORD'SITH: (can't argue with that)

(later)

(Another?) GROUP OF MORD'SITH: (raid Rachel's village, trashing the anti-skreeling defenses and kidnapping girls to take away to Mord'Sith training camp.)

D'HARAN COMMANDER: (gets arrowshot)

RESISTANCE DUDES: Hey, it's the Seeker. Why are you marching with the Dragon Corps?

RICHARD: (explains)

KILLING: (stops)

D'HARAN GUY: YOU WILL ADDRESS LORD RAHL WITH RESPECT, YOU RUBES!

RESISTANCE GUY: Wait a minute! WHAT'S WITH TAKING ON THE TITLE "LORD RAHL"? WE FOUGHT A WAR TO GET RID OF THAT BULLSHIT!

D'HARAN GUY: HE WAS BORN TO THE RIGHT TO IT AND—

RICHARD: Hey, loyal soldier. Stop digging my grave!

RESISTANCE DUDE: I am not fighting alongside this raping, pillaging scumbag!

D'HARAN GUY: I am not fighting this rebellious cowarddude!

FIGHT: (resumes)

RICHARD: Oh for Pete's sake!

(Alarm bell)

(Back at the village)

RICHARD: Don't worry, Martha, we'll get Rachel and the others back.

D'HARAN GUY: Um, we came here to bring the new Lord Rahl to the People's Palace, not rescue some chicks. Besides, without the kidnapping we'd run out of Mord'Sith, and if you think running out of paper towels is bad, let me tell you!

RICHARD: Well if I'm gonna be your new Lord Rahl, then you gotta learn to HELLLP PEEEEOPLE!

D'HARAN GUY: Wow. It's starting to look like you're too much of a pussy to—

RICHARD: (clubs him)

OTHER D'HARANS: (fall into line)

SOLDIERS: (find Cara)

CARA: If my sisters did any kidnappings it was after they kicked my ass.

KAHLAN: I'll get the truth out of her!

RICHARD: Can't you just tell if she's lying.

KAHLAN: No, she's got the trainings. I'd have to do the full-on mindfrell.

RICHARD: Ummmm... Sidebar? (explains about time loopy thing)

CARA: So if the Mord'Sith went that way, then they were probably going to the Drowning Cave, which is a totally perfect place to set a trap for you and anyone helping you.

KAHLAN: It's finally happened! Someone's used Richard's obsessive need to help random people against him.

RICHARD: We stage an attack at the main entrance while someone swims up the marsh aquifer into the stronghold!

KAHLAN: Richard, that's insane, even if you don't drown—

RICHARD: That's why I'm sending you.

KAHLAN: I'm sorry, what?

(interior: cave dungeon)

ZEDD: (horseriding) Eat it, Shadowfax!

SHOTA: Hey, baby. Anyway, I psychically saw that a passage in the seventh codex of whatshisface will show you where to find the Stone of Tears.

ZEDD: Wow... That's really... You know, this is totally in keeping of you being an evil type who has never lost sight of the fact that she lives in the world and therefore should help save it. Thank you, Shota! Now the Seeker and I can get to it.

SHOTA: Yeah ...about that. Also got a prophecy saying that Richard Rahl will fail to defeat the keeper. You might wanna get to naming his replacement.

ZEDD: BULLSHIT!

ItB: Taking the Sword of Truth away from a living Seeker drove Richard's predecessor into an insane Gollummy type.

SHOTA: There will be three signs! First, Richard will deny that which gives him power.

ZEDD: That's totally vague. It could mean anything from throwing down the Sword of Truth to skipping his morning latte.

SHOTA: Then he will embrace the one in red!

ZEDD: Okay, less vague but could still mean a bunch of things.

SHOTA: Finally he will have the mark of the one who will destroy all life seared into his skin like a gross blister handprint tattoo just above his left pectoral, tilted a little to the left.

ZEDD: . . .

(the canyon entrance to the Drowning Cave)

SOlDIERS: (draw swords)

MORD'SITH: (face off)

TRIANA: Where's the Seeker? Has he pussed out already?

D'HARAN: Only in that he told us to come here and save the girls.

OTHER D'HARANS: Yo! Kill the traitor dudes!

D'HARAN: Dammit!

RICHARD: (runs in with resistance dudes; it's a triple-cross!)

It turns out that the only thing that will make resistance guys fight alongside D'Harans is the opportunity to kill other D'Harans.

(interior, drippy cave of doooooom)

KAHLAN: I don't know what you did to make Richard trust you, but if this is a trick, I will kill you like you've never been killed before.

KAHLAN and CARA: (trounce the other Mord'Sith and unlock the girls)

CARA: I didn't come here to save your children. I came to steal myself a new agiel so that I can kick Triana's ass and get my old one back! (does so)

(back at the village)

RICHARD: Don't thank me for bringing your girls back. Thank the resistance dudes and D'Haran dragon guys who managed to not kill each other for an afternoon.

D'HARANS: We fought for Lord Rahl.

RESISTANCE GUY: Well we fought for the Seeker, dipshits.

RICHARD: (isn't enough of him to go around)

ZEDD: (is back)

SKREELING: (is also back)

D'HARANS: (get with the chopping and are about to score a skree-fatality when Richard gets all crazy self-destruct)

RICHARD: (lures the skreeling into the water, where Zedd freezes it for a truthsmash!)

ZEDD: So Shota told me to go talk to this abbot dude, who'll know more about the stone.

KAHLAN: That abbey is far away from the People's Palace.

RICHARD: Well I'm not going to the PP. Saving the world is more important, right? I'd have to kill like half the armies of D'Hara and then the resistance dudes would all hate me.

ZEDD: Oh my God, he's denying what would give him power but in a good way! (GASP!)

KAHLAN: I don't know, Richard, I think you could totally good-guy your way into making these guys make peace.

RICHARD: So Zedd and I will take you to Aydindril so that you can rule and then we'll come back when it's over.

KAHLAN: I don't know. I'm not confident that Zedd won't roast you if I leave you two alone.

CARA: (butts in) Oh, but they won't be alone. (sluts on over) I'd be happy to keep an eye on your Seeker.

KAHLAN: OH YOU ARE SO NOT GOING WITHOUT ME.

RICHARD: Cara has proven herself twice. Why not let her come?

ZEDD: EMBRACING THE ONE IN RED OMG!

KAHLAN: . . ?

(long horseback outback vista sequence!)

KAHLAN: I am so helping you save the world instead.

ZEDD: Could you have said it before we rode for seventy leagues?!

(campfire)

DARKEN RAHL: (ghosts up out of the fires) Wow, Triana was right. This is way more impressive than coming out of the lukewarm bathwater. Heeyyy, Richard! 'Sup, 'bro?

RICHARD: YOU AIN'T MAH BRO, BRO! (swords him)

DARKEN RAHL: (is a ghost) Sorry, you don't get to kill me twice, PTTTTTBBBTT!! Every enemy that you kill will only make my master stronger!

RICHARD: Meh?

DARKEN RAHL: (handprintburns him on the chest)

RICHARD: (wakes up) AAAA!!

HANDPRINT: (is real!)

ZEDD: THE MARK OF THE KEEPER! Left pectoral! Little to the left! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ItB: (Richard gets handblastburned during a seance with the mud people, when he asks them to "contact his ancestors" without giving even one thought to what that would mean. The handprint means that whoever wears it would go straight to the Keeper upon death, which is hastened. In the books, the spirit of Denna shows up and puts her hand on the burn so that it's still there but heals over and scars neatly. Denna's soul is sucked away down the Keepertube and Richard gets a stay of execution.)

WTFOMG COOKIES

2009-11-14T03:48:24Z

What did the Girl Scouts put in those cookies?! I scarf some dough before scrubbin' the cutting boards and now I have the Doors' greatest hits running through my head!

And Happy Hoppy Frog.

Please don't suck!

2009-11-13T01:50:15Z

PLEASE DON'T BE STUPID! THERE IS SO MUCH STUPID IN REAL LIFE (sob!) SO... SO MUCH!

"Iron Leprechaun"? Fingers crossed. That doesn't have to suck. Please, please don't suck!

So Gordon Gordon Wyatt is here.

No, Booth, the blue pills are for the sex problem. Five bucks says Booth really just needs glasses.

That was actually a pretty cool twist—the guy in the poster is the Iron Leprechaun but the guy in the costume is not. And he's Canadian!

What is it with the people walking in to hand Cam things? Sally then Glasses Guy. Are they fans who won a contest?

"GROW A SET!" Heh. Cute.

A fowl omen!

2009-11-09T04:05:02Z

Hey, there was an ep of Bones that I missed! ...and it's about chickens. This does not bode well.

Hey! Jeffersonian Girl Scouts found a dead body? But there wouldn't be so much variation in age. Okay, Cam yells at police for messing up crime scenes. No way in this universe are even the most impeccable science fans "professional" in her estimation. Also, no way would they go from clapping to booing. Their troop leader or other supervisor would tell them to stop.

(sigh) Wendell knows better than to say "fart" to his boss in that impertinent way. They've gone from working-class guy with a backstory to big dumb guy who isn't that big.

Just because he has a narrow chin and pointy nose doesn't mean that everyone would jump to the "chicken super-soldier" idea. Come aaaaaaaaaahn. At most, they'd wonder if the super-soldier treatments could have altered his facial features.

"Pluck you"? Eh.

No way is Booth putting up with being covered in feathers.

Angela is being waaaay too nutty about the chickens and piglet. Sure, it's her thing to get involved, but she would not be surprised when those around her did not share those feelings.

Wait ...Angela and Wendell? Okay, it's like they're not even trying. The upside of that? Wendell's terror in the face of Hodgins, who might or might not have a clue.

Okay, why did it look like Booth didn't want Bones to prove the dude guilty because I don't even know. But the Boothangst about whether or not he's losing it is redemptive.

back to the museum!

2009-11-06T03:46:22Z

"The Paul G. Getty museum is the center of culture in Los Angeles."

Wow. That explains why it looks deserted.

I hardly even mind that they're repeating the challenge from two seasons ago when they went to the Met. It was a good challenge. Except this time, they weren't limited to the actual works of art. I'm glad that they opened it up to the architecture.

For all that I hope we don't have an all-chick Bryant like last year, I don't know if Chris is up to it.

Again, Irina seems to be keeping her bitching to her monologues. It's not like she's sabotaging anyone with her negativity. They probably asked her what she thought of everyone, so it was invited bitchery. Just look at Christopher: The other contestants describe him as confident and arrogant, but in his monologues, he expresses his doubts. The way they act in one context doesn't always match the other.

Bleh! Althea's looks floppy and mishappen.

Carol Hannah's is okay. Looks nothing like the opulent French bed, though.

I like the colors on Chris's, but it looks like bits of three different dresses stapled together, texture-wise. Even though the dress is flawed, I like the idea of it. I like the idea of the rocks and the algae instead of another painting. This kid should learn to hike.

Oo! Gordana's is good again!

Huh. Irina's is also floppy, and only slightly less mishappen.

I would send Gordanna and Christopher to fashion week. Irina will go as well. Either Carol Hannah or Althea are about as skilled as Irina, but neither of them did as well as she did this week.

Well they kept Irina, lost Christopher (oh well). Come on! Keep Gordanna!

They ditched both the interesting contestants? It's going to be three young women again? Meh.

I have to wonder if my NaNo isn't hooked up right. They keep ending my days at eleven instead of at midnight. I tend to upload my postcount around that time, so it keeps looking like I do huge jumps every two days.